Lost some more weight over the past couple of weeks - a lot more. I met some one yesterday, and we were talking, I was explaining I had some more to go and she looked at me kind of funny and said, "Did you used to have a weight problem?" I was dumbstruck. Always thinking of myself as fat. No matter what I weigh. And this weekend, after going through the dressers and closet, everything fit me that hasn't in five years. I'm not fat. And if it wasn't for the health stuff with my knees, I could stop dieting right now cause I look good!
Weird relationship stuff going on with M and A. With M, I am looking at him differently (again). He seems so codependent and sick to me now. I'm sure he has not changed - it's me.
He seems pathetic, hopeless, like he will never get really healthy and love himself. He doesn't get anything about me, he even suggested (the next to last time we were together) that we were best friends. This after I told him how it was awkward not being able to talk to him about much of what was going on in my life. We are not best friends, nor ever will be again. So I invited him to Renfaire, after he invited me for the 2nd time to coffee, so he thought it was just him and me. I then invited my son, cause it's one of the 2 or 3 things we actually both like and can do together. M. came over, I told him, and he got mad and stormed off. He came back 15 minutes later, changed his mind, and I was on the phone with A. He immediately said, "Did you already find some one to replace me?" I just rolled my eyes (inside) and got off the phone. It was so ridiculous.
He was so subdued and passive, weird, I don't know, just being around him makes me feel like I'm with my mother or some obligatory person that I love but don't like. Which is the key I guess. I love Michael, always will, but I really don't even like him any more. I like his mind, but being with him feels creepy in some way. I can just feel his yearning for more of me, I guess, and it is yucky.
Now A. is another story. She's bi, married, which is fine. She also has a lesbian girlfriend, Trish, who is in love with her (and she says she is not in love with) who didn't know about her dating me. And we've been on five or six dates now. We went to Renfaire this past Sunday and I told her I couldn't continue dating her while being complicit in her cheating on Trish. I know she never wanted to be exclusive, and told Trish that a long time ago, but that was then, this is now. I'm too attracted to her vitality, her aliveness, her spirit to just fuck her. Anything could happen, she's too much of a woman for nothing to happen. I ain't falling in love with some one like that. I am not attracted to dishonesty, it turns me off. And at the same time, there's something about A. that just melts me. I still want to explore the possibilities.
Well, she told her girlfriend Trish yesterday morning and they supposedly got together last night to talk it out. I hope they don't break up, on one hand, and on the other hand - I hope like hell they break up! Trish is in love with A. and it's a dead end for Trish. A. will never give her what she wants, a committed, live-together thing. And I suspect that A. does not get from Trish what she really wants and needs - or she'd have been in love months ago with Trish, and we wouldn't be staring for hours into each others' eyes like we have been.
I don't know if A. will still want to see me after whatever happens with Trish. I sure as hell hope so. But - better to find out now than later what is really going on. I met some one else yesterday that I've been talking to on the phone; she is a pagan and into a lot of alternative music - World Beat, bossanova, lots of other cool stuff. We're going to meet again tonight cause we didn't talk for long yesterday. She seems pretty cool.