I met with Angela last night and we talked, and I told her about my concerns, that she would never be anything more to me than a dating partner. And she said, she felt she could be more than that to me, no, she wouldn't sever her marriage for me, but she could see doing anything short of that.
And I came to realize that the truth is, I wouldn't want to move in with anybody for a couple of years anyway. And should I really give up something this special (so far it really appears to be) because of a possibility that I might want that with her? So I've gone back and forth in my mind, cause I really want something very real and permanent in my life. And I thought I had decided to just stop seeing her. And felt calm. And safe. And - numb.
But I wanted to see her for one more time cause - well - I just needed to. And I realized as we talked that I had numbed all my emotions, and my true emotions were that I wanted to be near her, get to know her, take the chance. So - with every relationship you take a chance, and I've decided to take a chance. She's very honest with me, has been from the start. And I know I will get nervous again, and scared, and anxious. And I also know I'd be scared of anyone and I can find a reason to run away from anyone that will sound legit, believe me.
But she is so full of life, spirit, openness, freedom, everything I have wanted in a partner (male or female) - I just can't walk away from that cause I'm scared. So - I'm going to be with her, and try to hang in there. She is going to the burn with me, she wants to! She really has values that correspond to mine - she is spiritual, prays, teaches kindergarten, and has a really warm and generous heart. So - I'm going to really really try. I think I need to. One of my biggest issues is trust and allowing some one to get close to me. So - I'm going to try.