I think I am going to go for it, keep seeing Angela. She told her husband the complete truth about why I stopped seeing her last week - that I realized how limited our relationship would always be, and I'd have to share her heart with others. That she was crazy about me and was devastated. That she had really fallen for me; and I for her. He was very responsive and supportive and said that he would be open to having me move in with them, if things ever developed to that point! And he was fine with everything, and very serious, she said. And that has made all the difference in the world to me.
That floored me, that she was so open with him, and that he was so accepting and supporting of her falling in love with me. She has been honest with me from day one. She has in turn been honest, more honest than ever, with her girlfriend and her husband than ever. She spent part of last weekend crying and her girlfriend knew why.
This is a whole new world. I have a feeling that every bisexual has to decide what they are going to do about monogamy or polyamory at some point early on. I have been trying not to decide, cause it is so difficult either way. If I stay monogamous, and demand that from my partners, I am cutting off either women or men, something that feels really awful to me. How could I live without a woman in my life in this way? That sounds terrible. And men - it's just not the same. I don't want to go without a man either. And if I accept polyamory for myself, than I can't very well demand monogamy from my partners, now can I? (And get away with it, that's the main thing.)
And I have such huge mega-trust issues, how I can move beyond the basic insecurity of "does she really love me?" is a really gigantic question. This feels like the beginning of a real relationship with her, the first new one since I've integrated. I had nothing in common at all with my first girlfriend, and didn't see anything beyond the present there. Everything was new, and it was all about the newness of being with a woman. I look in Angela's eyes and - I just keep seeing the future.
I feel better for thinking this through to this point, and I'm going to just sit with it for a few days before I make a final decision about seeing her or not, at her suggestion. It is true, I am impulsive, and it always feels like the right thing to do at the moment. So I need to just sit with it for a bit. I am going away this weekend to a burn, not with her, and I'll be away from home and responsibilities. maybe that will help me with perspective.