So now I get to have yet another long talk with the man tonight. (dread, fear, dread) He wants more intimacy and I want more distance - I think. How much of this is good, what is really bad, I don't really have a clue. I really want to be single. I want to be free of him, and at the same time, just knowing he's there, makes me feel so much safer, more secure. I hate when he calls, but I want him to be there when I call. I don't want to see him, yet I do.
I love him a hell of a lot but he makes me crazy. Why does he get on my nerves so much? Should we just be friends? Is that even possible? What do I really want? Am I just in denial about my feelings for him? Am I allowing myself to feel what is real and true deep inside? Is it the girl thing that is getting in the way? Maybe the truth is, I'm just too immature for any relationship. Maybe the truth is something else -maybe I'll find out tonight.
And maybe I won't. Maybe I will run from relationship to relationship - but I haven't ever done that before, so why am I putting that trip on myself?
Why am I putting myself down, instead of waiting for understanding to well up from within. The last time we were together, as we talked, I felt the fear inside build and build. Finally, the truth came out - I was afraid of being controlled by a man in a relationship, regardless who it is or how long I've know him. I felt that he would control me, and put me in a box and run my circuit board. I still have that fear.
Women feel so much safer to me. Is that sane? Or rather a reflection of my neurosis. My therapist calls me "part-ish". She thinks many of my feelings come from parts inside me, that sit undigested, stirring my emotional currents and directing my brain. Does it matter anyway? This is who I am, right now, period. Not a damn thing more I can do than what I am doing right now.
On the other hand, my horrendous cold is getting better.