Last night's date - we met with some of her new friends, acquaintances really, and had dinner then went to a lesbian dance. We walked from the restaurant to the car and held hands and I held her around the waist. We got into the car and - started kissing.
I feel awkward, and foolish, and clumsy walking next to her. I'm 5'8"; and she is so completely tiny - not quite five feet, and so huggable, caressable. Her hands can be completely hidden inside of mine, they are so small. Her eyes are so beautiful - she has old soul eyes, like my daughter. It is so different than being with a man. It feels so comfortable.
Anyway, I got so excited it was starting to get painful. (Yes, that can really happen to girls.) We were trying to stay away from first base - and just move slowly on the physical stuff. But I couldn't help it, my fingers went under her bra. That was a mistake, because I got so excited she ended up making me come - because she put her hands under my bra and touched my nipple.
I got home at 4; I was fine. But this morning I woke up and felt sheer terror for what is unfolding in my life.
I am really afraid of allowing this relationship to develop. I don't want to fall in love with a woman! That's complicated! What if I don't like it? I don't want to fall in love with anybody, truthfully! I haven't got a clue as to what I want from her, or any woman, besides making love. But how do you make love when you don't know some one? Obviously, you can't. I don't want to just have sex. I want to slow down, not see her for several days, let my feelings percolate. It's strange, cause I want to tell her how I feel, and at the same time, I don't think I really understand how I feel.
After I wrote all of this, I spoke to two friends, and just let the fear out. Then she called, and we talked, and she could feel me withdrawing from her, pulling away. I told her of my fear, and we talked for a while. I am going camping this weekend, so won't see her at all. So we are going to try and see each other one night this week. And we'll keep proceeding slowly. Until I drop dead from the anticipation.