I should be getting used to being integrated by now, shouldn't I? After all, it's been probably - a month, six weeks? Oh, be real, I have no fscking idea how long it's been. It was a gradual process. I remember calling my buddy and half of the girls telling him goodbye, fully ten of them. I wonder where the protectors are? Are they lurking? I can't tell.
I feel so alone all the time now. And feelings flow in and out of me constantly, constantly. They are a constant distraction. I'm not depressed like I was at first though. Missing my people, my little community in my head. But I've never felt so alone in all my life. Well - maybe when I was 11 - 13 when all the really bad shit was going down. I felt really alone then. I don't remember much of it though.
My mother did me a huge favor (she doesn't even know it). She sent me a note telling me who raised me and who I was alone with, obviously she's agonizing over who molested me, even though my sister told her. (I will always regret that.) My therapist wanted to know who raised me, really, in the early years, and now it is clear. It was my mom. My mom who called herself Earth Mother, who tried to love us so so hard and couldn't do it right. She is so sad, so damaged. So now I know - the two people who hurt me the most, really did it to me out of their pain or (in his case) neurosis.
I don't understand myself or my feelings or my motives anymore. But I did find out one useful thing today. I am terrified of letting anyone be in a relationship with me (male). Absolutely terrified. Because a relationship means only one thing to me: being put into a box, and being controlled. And right now I don't like M., and I don't want to be near him. I hate him. The traumatic transference is so obvious, and yet so subtle. And all mixed in with his overweight-ness, and his old-ness.
I don't want to bring him along to meet my friends because I don't want to be seen as old, and as some one with an addict boyfriend. I feel this is so immature. I just feel really sad right now. I have some hope, but not for us, as a couple.