I've been sick with a rotten head cold, sinus infection, whatever. Feeling no energy, no life in me. All of my projects, fun and boring, have been pushed back, postponed, what a fscking drag. My art car only exists in my mind right now. I'm really angry about being sick for so long.
And M. and I made a final break up kind of thing. We have been dancing around this relationship for so long, it never feels right to me, I just feel guilty all the time! So he suggested that we take a month off, I (and he of course, though he won't) can see whomever I want, male or female, dog or cat, do whatever I want.
When he first suggested it, by e-mail (told him not to discuss important things over e-mail but he can't help himself, so impatient) the first thing I felt was instant relief. We talked about it a few days later, and it feels so good, I have called him more just to say hi than I have in a month! I have a feeling it's over for good, though. Everything is so intertwined, my concerns for his problems, my traumatic transference, I just don't think we'll ever be more than friends again.
I don't really know of course.