I think whenever things inside relating to parents or men or my grandfather get riled up, I get ambivalent around M. I want to see him, I want to be with him, but part of me doesn't - at all.
I think the part that relates to him, specifically, is the complete trust that I have placed in him. I can't figure this stuff out, at all, and I always feel foolish and awkward - it's something I don't really understand. Is it because I love and trust him so much? Or not enough? And is it also because I have such a strong sexual desire for him? Because I've told him so much and you know all my parts (now)? I think it's (at least partly) because he knows all of me, all of my people, and there is no hiding from you inside. And he stirs up sexual desire and a desire to be close, intimate and together. So when I'm feeling vulnerable, or right now when things are changing inside and I'm working on stuff, his presence can be too threatening.
This is also all mixed in with my concerns about his not taking good care of himself, his biological depression and what that is going to mean to me in the long run (ie, can I be with him when he has this, and when he has difficulty figuring it out and taking care of himself?), his significant weight gain and holding on to it. And a little bit about his social anxieties (that I feel we would work on if we were in a 'normal' relationship.)
I am feeling much better today. The prospect of going out with friends usually perks me right up - occasionally just feels like a drag because I'm battling too much other stuff. So tonight I'm hanging out with K. and her new girlfriend! I'm so proud of her! How much in the balls dept. does that grrl got, anyway? She's been wanting to check out this feeling of hers for quite some time - and she just started going to dyke bars and - met some people! Good for you, baby! You rock!
So tonight I get to meet her, at a Lebanese restaurant - do they have vegetarian food? I guess I'll find out!