Right after meeting, I met M. to borrow his glue gun. I wish I had never said anything to him about the wish for a booty call
. . Not because it wasn't true, just because I didn't want to start up any issues
. I've got enough on my plate, thank you very much. Because he called me a couple of days later wanting to know what I meant. What it meant. Etc, etc, etc, etc...
So when we met, we talked for a bit then he leaned in to kiss me, and kept kissing me. I didn't really want to kiss him last night. I was feeling a lot of emotions, anxiety, anger, sadness, and trying to stay with them when I really didn't. Also it was hot and I was not interested in being hotter and getting sweaty lips - yuck. And then he wanted to kiss me and I still don't know how to say "I don't want to kiss right now" to M. without hurting him. I don't seem to have that problem with other people, so I will have to work on that. We had a fairly codependent relationship for a while, and still do, and it's difficult to change that pattern. Which is one of the reasons I don't want to see him too often. I really want to change that pattern and not have that old anxious stuff about pleasing him keep crowding my head.
Then I got home and called my mom's house to talk to my niece and ended up on the phone for over an hour with my mom. She was basically through with me avoiding her and acting all snippety and bitchy with her for so long - and asked for some boundaries in our relationship because it just hurt too much. So I apologized a lot, and tried to explain without going into stuff I didn't want to go into. And agreed to come up with something.
I wish she and I lived far apart, but we don't.