Therapy today sucked. Is there no end to all of this grief, sadness, bile - guilt? I feel like the worst mother in the world. I feel like I didn't protect my children when they were growing up from - well, their father, basically. I didn't keep them safe from all harm. I didn't have enough money. I know I need to write about this, this is just too much right now, and I will. I'm going to take an inventory and write a history of what actually, really happened and when it happened so I can take an objective look at our lives back then up to now.
I know feeling this guilty won't make things better for them, or change a damn thing about what happened. It only makes me feel bad, it doesn't do anything for them. I just cried and cried in therapy, felt this huge stone of grief in my chest just weighing me down, pressing me down. I love my daughter and son so much more than anyone else, there is just no comparison to other loves in my life. I know that I would literally die for either one if it would save their life. So I know having this enormous guilt just hurts me and no one else. My next big task in therapy to tackle, I think.
My realization that I'm that way is what made me realize how much guilt I'm carrying around. Because now I feel that because I am bi I am a bad mom. Period. And I know that my sexual preference has nothing to do with being a bad mom. How I choose to act or react about it might, but my actual sexual preference does not. So get over it Jamie!