I don't think I did a very good job of taking care of myself last week - working on my car and doing other stuff, I didn't get to yoga class so I feel stiff and not centered today, as I have for the past five days. Going tonite and Wednesday without fail. Feel fairly calm emotionally, but that won't last, cause there's a lot of things percolating inside. Not having a real vacation this year, my mother, my son, telling G. goodbye, missing my sister greatly, worrying about missing my brother's birthday and feeling paralyzed with guilt and now 2 months almost have gone by and I still haven't done anything about it. Every single day I think about it & still don't do anything. Nothing I could buy him could possibly be good enough unless I spent $100 - and I'm not going to do that. I now owe both my mom and my brother an amends, and feel very stuck about both situations.
I'm trying to figure out how I can deal with my relationship with my son J. I feel like I am missing something and that he might be really angry with me and/or his dad and I don't know what to do. I'm tired of feeling guilty and tired of asking him what's going on, is anything wrong, & getting the response "fine" when it doesn't "feel" fine, it feels dissonant. It just feels like sometimes we have nothing to say to each other, and he doesn't like me - then other times, everything feels just fine and we talk easily. I feel confused and I love him very much - and he's leaving! That's part of it, I know, I can feel him going. but besides that - there seems to be a lot of anger there and I want to help him resolve it - on his terms - and don't really know how to reach him.
I feel sad because like so many other things about motherhood, this one is so hard: it feels unfathomable, unknowable, unworkable. So much easier to pretend all is well, and not try to find out the answer.