I made a final decision to decided to stop dating G. She's a very kind soul, a very genuine person; but I don't want to become emotionally entangled with her, we're much too different, and I know she wants something I can't give right now. I also realize more and more how different culturally we are. We just have so little in common. And it's a lot of work to make that kind of thing work. I can't do it - no, I refuse to do it. I've done it before, and slowly but gradually I end up acquiescing to their desires on how to spend time, giving in to their needs (always more important than my own). And the hell with that. So I told her tonight. G. is now an official member of the Dumped by drummergrrl fan club!
So instead of becoming diagonally parked in your parallel universe, I'm opting out, getting out while I can. My emotional stability feels like one of a 15 year old anyway. Well, no, not really, I don't know what that means. I'm just saying that, trying to frame my shifts in positioning and explain myself to myself, understand how I've flip-flopped back and forth with the question of dating her or not.
The reality is, I never wanted to get involved with her - and having sex just created a lot of emotions that I wasn't ready to deal with or wanted to have - with her. She thinks I'm just too scared and can't handle falling in love with a woman; the truth is, I don't want to love her for the reasons described above. I think I've gotten over the initial shock of being bisexual; I know I have some more work to do, but I'm not doing it with her.
I feel really shitty about it, very guilty for leading her down the path; although I've been scrupulously honest from the very start of this whole thing - I've told her everything there is to know about my emotionally labile state of mind. Sigh It's very hard knowing you have just hurt some one through your own instability and inability to do a better job of relating than you have. I have a great sense of relief; a small feeling of loss.