16:33 Server Time

Well, it's been a whole week since I broke up with the big man on campus. I miss Michael but I fear that this time it's permanent. We'll always be friends - but who knows what the future will bring. 50% of it is his eating disorder and how he is dealing with it - or not, to be more precise. He e-mailed me and R. today thanking us for 12 stepping him and to me for 'drawing the line in the sand' by breaking up with him (and telling him quite honestly that it was at least 50% of the reason). I'm quite relieved - it's possible he's hit bottom because his tone has completely lost the arrogance of his previous communications with me about it. We'll see!

The other reasons for breaking up are a bit more nebulous - and may be connected. I just know that I had to do it, it didn't feel right any more, and was really bothering me. I don't have that "crazy about you" feeling about him that I used to, when we first started going out. And it's not the infatuation phase I'm talking about - I remember very distinctly feeling that way about my ex-husband and M and J; this feeling definitely lasts and lasts. I also feel that there is a level of connection that we no longer have. I can't explain it except that "he just doesn't get it" sometimes. And it really irritates and grates on my nerves, that I have to explain. And lots of times, are we just missing the mark anyway? Argh. I guess I'll just stop here.

Finally, everyone in my close friends world I know have been gently noodging me for a long time into writing about my feelings, which I do only on occasion. I have been very resistant to this and in an effort to break out of my resistance, I am going to try keeping a daily log for a couple of weeks here. I keep thinking I will do this at home in that pretty notebook, or on the train, or in bed, etc. and it just never happens. Maybe this time - it will.