I had a fight with my ex yesterday. An e-mail fight, of all the stupid things. And I know better! Ugh. I shared my day logs with him - and so he shared some feelings with me. OK, fine. Except - I thought he was hinting around again asking me about dating again. So I got angry and responded to every little thing he wrote about his feelings.
What an idiot I can be.
Of course, he was quite insulted, and pissed off, as I had insulted him, and I deserved his anger. I apologized, and realized how idiotic I had been, and sent him multiple e-cards in apology until he wrote back, saying "stop, stop, already!!"
I don't feel very well. Some war is being fought in my body, I can feel it happening. I left work early yesterday (missed the train anyway) and did absolutely nothing last night. No energy at all. So this morning I bought this weird korean ginseng ginkgo drink as I'm out of vitamins and I couldn't really finish it - it's ghastly. And some vitamin C candies. Yuck. Fake strawberry flavor.
...Sigh.... I'm carrying a grudge and other weird feelings around and they're not going away, so I have to do something about it. A friend of mine, whom I met at my current job, has a computer from work at home, which is fine. I set her up. I even went out to her house way out in Virginia and hooked it up for her, because she couldn't lift anything due to her illness at the time. (We weren't good friends yet at that time.)
Earlier this year, she complained about not having speakers on this home computer. I gave her a sound card, which I wouldn't normally do (it's not the company policy to equip people with speakers and sound cards), and she had her boyfriend put it in. Which of course he did wrong and I had to fix it. This happened about a month ago. She called me this past weekend as she couldn't get the modem to dial up. I wasn't home, she left a message on my machine and I didn't call her back. I was really angry that she called me for this. If she had been trying to dial in to do some work, I wouldn't have been mad. But I felt that she was just using my friendship to get free help. I was really, really angry. And I'm still mad about it.
But now that I write this, I am realizing that I am probably wrong. Even if she didn't need it for work at that moment, she eventually would. What harm would it have done to call her back and plan to fix it during the week? Why am I so mad? Why do I feel so used? WWJD? TAJS
.....and I was feeling so happy this week. Now I feel tired, and kind of sick, and crabby....