Ok - I had therapy yesterday. A typical session for this past month or two - one in which I felt sort of like a psychic trying to contact her medium. Everything inside is still fluid, sometimes it is a "we", sometimes it is an "I" inside. Yesterday, it was both.
But the girls are like ghosties now, no real substance to them any more, no real power. I can't imagine one of them taking over again, and running my life for a brief moment in time. And the boys/men - the protectors - I don't know what's going on with them. Are they still around? Somewhere?
It doesn't even feel threatening to post this. My first wu's on my MPD felt extremely scary and terrifying. Now? Big deal. I keep waiting for it to be a big deal, I keep waiting for things to get bad and scary and empty again. But so far - it just keeps getting better.
My therapist told me that unlike most people, I've discovered an essential truth of the human mind. That it can take a horrific amount of trauma and - cope. Without breaking apart. And most people don't experience this truth, fully, and completely.
She says.
She also said that most people don't really realize how powerful they really are. I think this is true. And it is a truth. And I wish I didn't have to learn it so completely - but I am obviously very glad and relieved to be out on the other side of it.
I think I am almost done with the replaying, rehashing, whatever, of the various traumas. There are some lingering feelings of shame - but it appears to have been the right time, the right moment, the right therapist, and the right man in my life. Actually, there's no doubt that I could not have done this without M. No other man could have gotten so close to me. I have never felt so loved by a man.
I know that I am strong - and I know that I can survive just about anything that life throws at me in the future.
I feel this contentment, this peace that emanates from deep inside, that I have never felt before. And I know how strong I have been, all along, how every part inside has been so strong and courageous and brave. I' m really, really happy.