I saw M yesterday for a few minutes. We kissed. It was just rapture. I shouldn't have kissed him, I'm definitely getting a cold. I did warn him earlier. We are supposed to get together tonight and I know what I want to do but I don't want to give him a cold. Too late for that now!
It's so funny - I dumped him because I felt like I wasn't in love with him anymore. Things just felt wrong. Even though I knew I loved him, I just didn't want to be with him. I felt confined, chained down to the wrong man. Now I feel like I'm going to lose him for good, and I'm afraid that I will, and I'm afraid that he won't change, and I will and then I won't want him anymore anyway - and it's all confused and a mishmash of conflicting thoughts and feelings that change daily.
I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me in some way I can't figure out yet; and when I do, it will be too late. But it doesn't matter, because I know, as I've known for years, that I really love this guy. He's captured part of my heart forever. I don't know which part! If I knew, I would know!
Well, as
Zedd would put it,
Bags, bags, and double bags.