I was feeling very tired, very sad last night. So I just let that happen, and took my dog on a long walk, feeling sad, crying a bit. Missing M, and I'm afraid I will lose him forever because I need my space. I'm afraid that we will never be together again, because he won't change enough to give me what I want. I feel so immature, I'm so sure now that I am really juvenile and immature - the world looks so different to me now. Integration is really strange - it seems easy sometimes, happening in the background, but then I do weird things - have strange feelings and can't figure out what I want or what I should do about stuff in relation to people.
It seems to take a lot of energy that doesn't become apparent til later. I used to just go, go, go, and now I can't. I have lost the ability to go on forever on nothing. I think all my parts used to use my body so I felt fresh and alive a lot and didn't feel tired like I do now, so easily. I miss that! And the shades of gray feelings are different than the shades of gray before. I can't explain it. I just know that I have feelings and intuitions that I really don't understand. How could I possibly explain it in words, when I can't understand it in my gut?