Feeling pretty much out of sorts today. Sort of moody, sort of like Picasso's blue period. Nothing's going to happen in my life that's going to make me happy today. That's just the way it is. And I was sad yesterday, too. I feel like Charlie Brown; just don't get it.
Lots of things going on this weekend. One of my closest friends moved to Rochester, New York to start med school. I feel like ranting about something else that just happened, but instead of specifics, I'll focus on the feeling. And my house got cleaned by my kids (finally) and I put mulch down and bought six hostas.
Love is a funny thing, isn't it? I don't know how she feels about me in some ways, and in another way, I know she cares a lot about me on some level. But however K. is feeling about me, I do love her a lot. I miss seeing her and talking to her the way we used to do, we were always too busy, it was hard to fit time in, and K. has always had scads of friends, but I've missed for awhile her insights and her depth.
I don't fit in with a lot of groups and I'm very aware of that. I'm too old for this group or not cool enough for that one, not goth enough, not smart enough, not funny enough, not sexy enough, not lesbian enough, not straight enough, not butch enough, not thin enough or the culture doesn't fit in my age group or the people are too superficial or something else. I guess I'm never going to accept that this is the way it is, I'm still searching for that group who will accept me and the group will also be fun and lively and everything. I'm tired of feeling like an outcast, a loser and an outsider. I can't remember ever fitting in anywhere in my whole life. It sucks, it sucks a lot. Sometimes I don't care, I can accept it and detach and be okay. And sometimes I have the illusion that I fit in. I get invited to a party and have a good time, and get deluded into thinking I'm okay. Anyway, it doesn't matter, sometimes I get hit in the head with stuff like this, I think I'm fine, everything's okay and then this sort of thing pops me one. Ouch.
Last thing that happened - talk about rejection - G. called me yesterday and - she's psychic - she knew I had been with some one else. And damned if she wasn't right. She called because she was hurt and feeling rejected. It was sad. I felt bad for her. Then when she went on and on, I got pissed off. But I then realized how hurt she really felt. So I let up on her. And after she vented for awhile, she calmed down and acknowledged her pain. And let me go - once again.
Oh, I forgot one more thing. I got killed for the first time in AD&D. I mean - slaughtered, -14. They resurrected me, cost me all my gold pieces. But it was a strange feeling. To be dead. The extraplanar experience was a trip!