Apparently, even though I think I am in the middle of integrating my wonderful, charming, adorable personalities, all 17 or so of them, my therapist disagrees.

I despise her.

I hate everyone. And everything.

Give me a beer dammit!

Anyway, as I was saying, it seems as though although the walls are gone, the parts remain. Which would explain the chaos, inability to focus for longer than ten minutes on anything, and intense reactions to everything that happens around me, good and bad.

I don't lose time any more. I am functional at work. I can make love now without wigging out, start to finish.

And as far as hating everyone - I hate myself more than anyone else.

There isn't anything I want more than for this to be over. But I haven't even begun, that's what she is telling me. I thought I saw a light and instead I am seeing murk.

Whatever. What the hell does she know anyway???

I feel as incoherent as ever. I've already lost a friend to this (I suspect) as I can't stand talking to her about anything real that is about me. She feels false and fake and phony, even though she's the same person she was a few months ago.

It is all rather overwhelming right now. At least I went to the health club last night and rode a bike. The teacher didn't bother showing up for the class. I am going back tonight, even though all my shorts are dirty. My altruistic plans for tonight got cancelled, so I can do some things for myself.

At least one good thing is happening - my boss is out of town this month. So naturally I am now swamped with problems, but at least I get to do stuff without having to check with him first (which means he tries to control it or take it over).