A letter to the man I love more than I've loved any man in my life.
My dearest one;
It seems that whenever I finish a wu, you send me mail. (I know that's not really true, don't get hot.) But - I am beginning to wish I had not told you about who I am on E2, because I wish I could have it for myself, not worrying about you reading things, and censoring myself. I am feeling very strongly this way right now. I have stopped myself from saying this to you many times. But now I am just expressing my feelings to you about this problem because it has gotten to be too much. I know that since I want to explore these feelings about my epiphany it feels very strong and important to me right now.
Sometimes I can't talk to you about things - it is safer to be anonymous and express them on E2. In posting here, there is a danger that I will move away from you. And others. But writing helps a lot. And I don't want to be accused of passive aggressive behavior again - although in that one case, it probably was (although not my wu on my menage a trois).
I feel like writing in my drummergrrl persona, as others there have come to "know me" and send me supportive little notes, so I want to continue developing those relationships by being honest, like I have been. But now I can't, and I haven't been writing much in there because I have let you know who I am on E2, and let you read my wu's. It is wrong to ask you to stop, and foolish, I know, and it feels like I made a huge mistake in telling you my user name.
But I have to just figure this out for myself, I guess.
I will probably decide to start writing on there again, and just tell you that if you read something that bothers you, and I haven't discussed it with you, and you feel a need to talk to me about it, then I will deal with it then.
But I think because our relationship is so complicated, this is part of the problem. If you were truly just a friend, this wouldn't be an issue. Since I love you romantically, I automatically censor many thoughts before speaking to you, like most people.
If you were actually my boyfriend, I would feel compelled to talk to you first, to forestall any issues before writing about them.
But you aren't, and I am single, and free, and want to be independent of your feelings and thoughts about my thoughts and feelings - if you know what I mean.
I can't talk to you about this epiphany right now. I want to talk to other people first, people I don't care about as much, before I have to deal with your reaction, which will probably be along the lines of "is that it?", I am pretty sure. But you know how it is when you have a revelation. It feels big and scary and all kinds of things. It's actually not what it IS so much as how I FEEL. But I wanted to write about how I feel, and I couldn't even do that, without having to worry about being passive-aggressive.
I feel better for having written this, and I am sorry if I am causing any pain to you - I certainly am not trying to! Just being very honest. So the bottom line is - I am going to try and write my feelings again as it really is an important venue to me. It feels like therapy.
You know how much I love and respect you. But that doesn't mean I want or need to tell you everything.