I'm having trouble with sugar right now. So I just read the story of Jim, in the AA Big Book. Jim is the guy who was sent back to rehab four times, lost his business that he owned, his family, physical health before finding AA. He then stayed sober for a period of time, got a job, got his family back and his physical health. He then decided while at lunch one day, (no emotional issues that day, no problems,) that he could have a shot of whiskey in his milk because he had eaten a sandwich. He then proceeded to get drunk.

It didn't matter that he knew he would lose everything (as he had already done that) if he took even one drink - he was able to rationalize something incredibly stupid because of his addiction. This is me. Except I don't even bother to rationalize sometimes. It was helpful to read this. I was looking for some program material to read this morning and found the entire Big Book! Hopefully at lunch I can find some OA stuff.

My addiction is not going away today because I want it to. And every time I compulsively eat some sugar, I continue my emotional retardation. This is such a critical time for me. I'm reading a book written by a therapist and a DID patient, about integration and the phases (Bryant and Kessler, Beyond Integration). It goes into the details of the adult consequences of MPD if developmental levels are interrupted by abuse, dysfunction, neglect AND MPD splitting. My abuse is not nearly what this woman's was ritual abuse but I seem to have most of her symptoms in terms of the developmental interruptions. I also am beginning to suspect that my core self is about 11-13 years old. Which is really, really disturbing. I don't think I will ever catch up to others my age. I hate adults anyway, so right now I kind of don't care. I'd like to get to be about 25 though.

My therapist asked me last night how old did I feel, and my state of mind feels like 12, 13, very close. Full of self hatred, body hate and disgust, confused, conflicted.

I miss my inner selves, my people. They aren't there anymore, just their feelings. I am all alone now, and they aren't there to help me like they have been all my life. It feels terrible and awful and sad. I want to cry all the time.