As far back as I can remember, I've always felt there is something wrong with me. There is, to put it mildly, a certain...uneasiness...within me that is part of my foundation as a being living in this frame. This...dissonance...has translated itself throughout my life into every negative emotion/feeling I have experienced. This void has been the catalyst for every "mistake" I have made as I search to fill the hole or explain the wrongness I feel within my soul. I have always known that my pain is exactly that...MY pain which I cannot blame anyone else for. However, only recently have I begun to feel a necessity for this uneasiness. A purpose for the hurt and pain I have felt. There is an unbalance to my soul. It is my belief that I am here in this specific frame because there are lessons I must learn. Until I learn those lessons, my soul will remain unbalanced and I will keep returning to this frame, or perhaps one very similar.
The preceeding paragraph explains a concept which I have ALWAYS known to be true within my (if I may borrow a phrase from TheDeadGuy) personal mythology. At the ripe old age of 27, I am noticing a disturbing trend: I am NOT learning the lessons etched within my soul that will allow my energy to inhabit higher and more challenging frames. Scratch that. Actually, that's not quite accurate. I HAVE learned these lessons. I learned these lessons as a very young child. I now believe the problem arises because I choose not to APPLY what I have learned. I make the same mistakes again and again. All the while knowing that the end result of each will damage me or others (though, surprisingly, I have deliberately kept the pain this causes towards the ones I love to a minimum). All the while knowing I cannot ascend until I take action. It is not enough to KNOW what is right. One must actually DO what is right in order to balance the soul. I realize this...balancing the soul...may take many lifetimes to achieve.
My question, ergo, is this: Why do I CHOOSE not to apply these lessons knowing that doing so will lead me to eventual bliss? I have always known the answer, but now that I have found the question, this lifetime of mine makes sense. I CHOOSE to keep my soul unbalanced because I DO NOT want to ascend. Put simply, bliss is boring. I want to continue living in this frame with all its pain and hurt and suffering because it is only when I am suffering that I feel truly alive and meaningful. But it is also getting to the point where the only challenges I face are the ones which I create for myself. I do not seek out trouble or suffering, yet I keep on encountering these "tests", which at first glance seem to be perpetuated by others, but I know in my heart of hearts that I am the one responsible. NO ONE ELSE. So, if I claim to seek challenges, why can I not apply the lessons of this frame and move on to TRULY NEW challenges that await me in other frames?
Which came first, the answer or the question? The answer is contained within the question. The solution is contained within the problem. This is my faith. If only I was selfless enough to see it.
***special thanks to TheDeadGuy. Inspiration immaculate. Giving me what I truly needed at the time I needed it: more questions. (For the record, I DO NOT personally know TheDeadGuy but have been inspired solely through his writeups)