Note: September 4th, 2002

This is the result of simply sitting in front of the computer, closing my eyes, and writing whatever came to my mind. It is not indented to flow together, or even necessarily make sense. It was not thought out or preplanned in any way. It has also been edited for spelling and grammar, simply because it was originally composed blindly, and could not be fixed as it was written. Hardlinks were also added afterwords, and don't really reflect any part of the thought process (or lack thereof) in this.

I am posting this as a daylog, because that is basically what it is, with some odd modifications. I think posting personal events as daylogs is an excellent way to publish them without unessecarily polluting the nodegel.

This is the beginning of my experience of typing Para nirvana.

I am sitting here, with my eyes closed, and I am pressing the buttons on the keyboard of my laptop. Opus is beside me, and through him the sounds of Noubo Uematsu’s music from Final Fantasy 10 are emitted.

I have always been unable to sleep well at night, and am trying this new method of analyzing my subconscious, and possibly learning about myself. I have a dream that someday I might be able to “meditate” like this, sending all of my thoughts into this miracle box, and then reading them so that I will know what I surely should not be able to. My typing might not be fully accurate without looking, because I was never taught how to touch-type properly, and instead taught myself through the MUD Aalynor’s Nexus.

Anyways, about me. My name is Carl Jantzen, I am a sophomore in high school, and I love computers. I also love a girl named Allie, but due to imperfections in the Human design, I am unable to determine the significance of her feelings toward me.

Behind my eyes all I see is white. The bright blank page is transmitted through the closed, and into my brain. I have visions of the unknown dancing], and I want to describe it but I cannot if I do not even know what it is. I am unsure of what occurs in my own mind.

New song. Something by the Minibosses, Castlevaina?

Today I spent a good deal of time at school, as usual. Jason and I prepared a teddy bear made entirely out of duct tape for his friend Elise. She was dumped by her boyfriend, and it is intended as a consolation present. It’s even brown, covered in the tape that Allie’s mother Emmy gave me for my birthday last year. My birthday is coming up again, although I doubt anybody is going to notice. I don’t always show it, but I do care about my own birthday. Well, I don’t care about my birthday itself, but I do want people to notice. Deep inside I am actually a very insecure person, and I need to know that people love me. If people don’t express that to me, I feel hurt and empty inside.

I believe that that is one of the sources of my many difficulties with Allie; I want her to be constantly expressing her feelings to me, and all that does is cause her annoyment. I don’t know why it can’t be enough that I know she loves me; I don’t know why I need constant verification. If I ever get her back I am going to do everything to make sure that she doesn’t feel in any way annoyed, bugged, smothered, or neglected by me. I will be the perfect boyfriend.

Blink 182: Stay Together for the Kids

I had an idea yesterday; I wanted to animate a CG movie to the Robd music from the Matrix soundtrack. Wanted it to feature myself as a secret agent, delivering flowers to my girlfriend, Allie. But because I was a secret agent, I did it in really secret agenty ways. It would be really cool. Add it to the list of billions of things that I will never complete in my lifetime.

I feel the sweat building between my right wrist and the keyboard, I think this typing might not be the best thing to do before bed. Too bad. I need to let my thoughts out somehow, and this is the best way that I know.

I actually have no idea what effect this will have on my psyche. Maybe it will allow me to purge my brain while I am awake, and remove any semblance of dreaming from my sleeping world. Or maybe it will just cause me to think even more, and increase the frequency of my dreams. It could have no effect, and my pessimistic self believes that this will be the true case.

I admit that I have been peeking at this page on occasion, to see how much I have written or how well I am doing at correct spelling when I do not know where each letter is in front of me. Oh well.

Linkin Park: Points of Authority

Angelica says she enjoys going to the rock concerts by the local bands, so I should find out when some more of them are, so I can can have another excuse for her and Allie and I do go out and spend time together. I want to see The Two Towers with Allie, but I doubt that’ll happen.

Actually, it might. You never know.

I have secret high hopes that Allie will let me take her to homecoming, but I don’t want it to end up like it did last year. Definitely not. Before I ask her to homecoming this year, I will ask her best friend, Angelica, if she wants me to. I will do everything in my power to avoid hurting her.

I just had an idea, I could post these on E2 as a kind of daylog/dreamlog/mindlog? I’m not sure what it would be called, but yeah. It should actually go on my web site, but then it might be seen as an obvious attempt to get Allie to read it and see how I feel about her and manipulate or guilt her or whatever.

I want her to be able to read it, as nothing I have is secret, but I don’t want her to be thinking that I am writing it only for her benefit. This is for purposes of truth. I actually need to go to bed right now. Tomorrow is school, and I haven’t been getting enough sleep lately. I’ve been living on Jolt.

It’s hot in here, I’m going to open the window and activate the fan.

Goodnight Carl. Goodnight World.