My head is heavy, but I am so full of happiness that my fatigue doesn’t seem to reach my mind. Yet your shoulder is so warm, smooth, and capable that I can not help but rest on it. Your muscular arm laced around my shoulders, your leg buzzing pleasantly against mine...this is wrong. But how can something wrong feel so good?
“Wow, you really are tired,” You say with a good-natured laugh. We are in our own little world. Everyone around is laughing and shouting, but we are content just feeling the humming of our bodies against each other. Yearnings I should not be having fill my body, feelings that betray my loyalty. I try and remember the boyfriend that days ago I was so devoted to, but his face swims in front of my eyes as i look at you. Another scoots in next to us on the bench, and I am forced to sit in your inviting lap. You shift your arms around my waist and rest your chin on my smooth shoulder. The proximity of your face so close to mine makes me feel lightheaded…how I want to just turn towards you…
I down the bottle in one long gulp, knowing it will get me exactly what I want: an excuse. Besides, it will cloud my judgment and rid me of my inhibitions. Happy and tipsy, we stumble back to the party. The music fills my body and I begin to grind on anything I can find. For a brief moment we are face to face, but I break our eye contact quickly. My body attracts a boy, whoever he is, I don’t care. His hands find my hips, and we move in unison. I feel your eyes on us, and I eat up your envy with a spoon. Suddenly I realize you're leaving, and I rip his hands from my body to wander aimlessly after you.
I feel your hand on the small of my back slide up and slip protectively around my shoulders. I turn to face you and catch your eye. For the slightest second I almost give in to my impulse and launch myself at you, but my self control kicks in and I turn to look forward. She sees us, eyeing our flirtations warily. I know she is looking out for me, and I know I should listen to her and leave you alone. But i just can't...
We continue to walk along in the heavy darkness. We come into the light, and separate. I shiver, feeling the nights cool air for the first time. You hold your arms open and I rush to them eagerly, savoring the sensation of my cheek against your smooth, muscular bare chest. As a group, we walk to the center of the dark field. I make sure I’m sitting close to you, but don’t get near you just yet. I sit uncomfortably, hugging my knees and shivering.
“God, its cold.” I exclaim, maybe overplaying the chattering of my teeth.
“Get over here,” You say, a smile on your perfect face. I grin and snuggle up to you, enjoying the feeling of my body so close you yours. I look up to face you, and you appear expectant.
“I’m sorry.” I whisper softly as I pull away. There is a frustration that is so apparent in my brain, torturing me. I stare up at the star-spangled night sky, so much clearer than I am used to. Then I realized, here you are. You are beautiful, and for some inexplicable reason you want me. So I turn my head ever so slightly, and then press my lips to yours. Your gentle, tentative at first, afraid I will change my mind. Your fears are realized when I jerk away, “What the fuck am I doing, I have a boyfriend. I can’t, I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine.” You say, loosening your grasp around my waist. And although I had a taste of you, it wasn’t enough. It was timid. And with you, I want it to be passionate and out of control. I am not remotely satisfied with a mere taste. So I remain ensconced in your embrace. Finally I give in entirely, forgetting all rational thought and throwing caution to the wind. Again we kiss, and this time I can feel the passion begin to build. After you are confident that I will not pull away as I did before, you pin me down on the grass. For a split second I realize what I'm doing, seeing his face hovering before me. But as I move to pull away I feel your lips on my neck, completely melting me. My longing increased, I pin you down between my legs and kiss you, real and hard and deep. The feeling is so incredible I clench the grass in my fists to keep in control of my impulses. Your hands move freely up and down my body, and I don’t stop you.
“Is there macking going on over there?” Somebody says. We immediately jerk away and I move off you.
“No. ” I say almost urgently.
“Hmm that’s funny I thought I heard macking.” I turn away from you, but my mind remains in this strange alternate universe where it is okay for me to do this. Your arms snake around me, and your body closely cups mine. For a moment, I remain satisfied just feeling your body against me. But you’re being so sweet and patient with me, and I know that I am enjoying the spooning more than you are, so I lean around and give you a soft kiss. This plan, however, backfires because I am again filled with desire and we start up again. Kissing you is just…indescribable. I free myself of the building feelings and hormones that had been tormenting me the entire week.
“I should go,” I whisper, as I stood up, although my words and actions defy my feelings.
“Wait,” You breathe. Our faces are centimeters apart, my nose resting softly against yours. I look up into your eyes, and I can’t help but kiss you again.