Convincing Someone that they are a Bear
We all have loved ones, friends, pets, and others close to us that seriously believe that they are human. This can’t go on. They must come to accept the fact that they are actually bears.
I’ve had to do this on several occasions. Convincing someone that they are actually a bear requires a lot of work and dedication. I have become a professional convincer, convincing people that they are actually bears. The following is a guideline that will help you convince someone close to you of what they really are. A bear.
1) Always call them a bear. This is the most important thing you can do to convince them of what they really are. Being constantly called a bear will help their identity sink into the subconscious. If they don’t like it, pretend that it’s a cute nickname for them. Even if they don’t like it at first, keep doing it. They will accept it with time.
2) Limit their human-like activities. This is one of the more difficult aspects of the convincing process. First ask yourself, “What do humans do?” Most humans function in some way in society. Then ask yourself, “What do bears do?” Maul people, sleep, maul the first person they see when they wake up. So if the bear that thinks they are a person functioning in society, let them continue to do so. Bears function in society everyday. But, it is a must that they maul people. To make sure they do this, make them irritable whenever possible. Do this as often as you can. They will eventually maul you. When they are sleeping, wake them up. Doing this often enough over time will cause them to maul you whenever they wake up. They are officially becoming a bear.
3) Make sure they eat what bears eat. Bears eat fish, honey, and some types of vegetation. It’s easy to make this their diet. Always have them eat honey ham, honey wheat bread, Honey Nut Cheerios, and the like. You, on the other hand, must never eat what the bear eats, as this will throw everything off. Even if you like seafood, kick the habit. Pretend that you don’t like it. Its bear food, not people food.
4) Take them fishing. If they ever return to the wild, this will be a useful skill for them to have.
5) Make sure that they never shave. This can be tricky, but it’s very important to make the bear fully aware of its identity. This can be even more difficult with a female specimen. Most women shave their legs. Bears don’t. If it’s a female that’s affectionately close to you, embrace her unshaven legs. Pretend to like them. She will eventually stop shaving.
6) Get them into the habit of hibernation. This is one of the trademark bear qualities. If the person does not sleep a lot, tell them that they sleep too much. Every time they go to sleep, let it be known to them the last time they fell asleep to instill in their mind that they sleep too much. This will invariably lead to them sleeping more and more. Full blown hibernation will come with time. This aspect is usually the most time consuming, but you can do this step in conjunction with having them wake up and maul you.
7) Answer ALL of the questions they have about being a bear. No matter how trivial a question they ask you about their identity, answer it. Here are some example questions along with the answers. “How did my parents, who are human, have a bear child?” Answer: Your parents aren’t humans. They are bears. “How can I be a functioning member of society if I’m a bear?” Answer: Easy. You do it all the time. “Why don’t I look like a bear?” Answer: You do. (Here point out that they are covered in hair). “How many bears do you know that can talk?” Answer: One. “How come none of my relatives are bears?” Answer: They are. You just haven’t met them.
Using this guide, along with a lot of time and dedication, will assure your loved one of their true identity. Do remember, however, that bears are very dangerous. If you feel that your bear has become too dangerous, take it to the proper officials. In the event that you are injured while being mauled by your bear, call your local physician. In the event that you are mauled to death by your bear, call your local mortician. I have no advice for those that are eaten and completely consumed by a bear. As a professional, I have not been eaten by a bear.