Today my best friend asked me for some advice. I am not used to giving advice, mainly because people don't ask for it. She is a new graduate student with studies focusing on Analytical Chemistry. I'm done with graduate school, so I guess that's why she asked my advice. She seeks advice on how to be a good teaching assistant. She has to "be the teacher" during weekly laboratory experiment.
So, my good friend, here is the advice that comes to mind. You'll do great.
Of course, you're not going to have all the answers, but always come off like you know it all. If you don't know something, make it up. If someone corrects you with a textbook, correct them using a textbook - as a weapon.
Always remember that experiments are only experiments. There is no foreseeable or predictable outcome. Take laboratory time as a learning experience, in which you learn that whoever devised the experiment yielded absolutely zero proof that they had actually carried out the experiment, and the predicted results are probably erroneous.
Steal lab rats as often as possible. They are helpful for doing chores around the house. They can also be used to scrub pots and as an environmentally friendly alternative to toilet paper.
No matter how safe a chemical compound may seem, always wear the proper protection of the eyes and skin. Dangerous chemicals like sulfuric acid should be disposed of in the human digestive tract, using the mouth and throat as a drain. All dangerous solid chemicals should be promptly eaten upon completion of the experiment, and all noxious, lethal vapors should be inhaled by as many people as possible to prevent dangerous compounds from escaping the laboratory.
Lab monkeys can be helpful for simple tasks in the laboratory like inspecting the performance of fume hoods and demonstrating the proper way to smoke while using pressurized flammable gases.
Devise your own theories. In theory, it's a valid theory until it's proven wrong. Eradicate those who you deem capable of proving your theories wrong.
As long as the ink flows red in the pen with which you grade papers, whatever you say is fact.
Always fail at least two people. This will keep the learning curve in its correct, normal curve shape.
If you can't get an experiment to work, blame the theory behind the experiment. If the theory seems sound, refute it.
Strive to be like a teacher - Drink excessively large amounts of coffee. Always carry a textbook because they have many uses, from warding off stampeding elephants to a foot rest. Give a puzzled, condescending look before you answer any question, no matter how trivial the question. Develop a mannerism that people will make fun of you about. Tell uninteresting stories about past students you've had and things you've experienced while you were an undergraduate. Write in a manner such that no human being could possibly read your writing. Give time consuming and tedious assignments that have nothing to do with a real occupation that anyone on Earth would have, making sure that the assignments are unrelated to anything that any sane person would ever do in the first place. Never organize your desk. Become an expert at diverting attention away from questions that you should know, but don't. State obvious facts that have nothing to do with the subject at hand and smile confidently at the fact that you said something that sounds 'smart'.