Originally found in the Scary Devil Monastery. A take-off on The Dead Parrot Sketch.

Customer: hi, our T1 is dead

Telco: can you give us the circuit number?

Customer: well, the bill says it is #97HCFS863998, but the box on the wall is labelled #97HCFS863801

Telco: please describe for me why you think it is down.`

Customer: because it is dead. it is down. it is not functioning

Telco: No, no, it's uh, it's resting

Customer: Look matey, I know a dead T1 when I see it, and I'm looking at one right now.

Telco: No no it's not dead, it's, it's restin'! Remarkable line, the T1, idn'it, ay? Beautiful bits!

Customer: The bits don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

Telco: Nonononono, no, no. It's resting.

Customer: All right then, if it's resting, I'll wake it up. ELLO, MISTER TELLY T1! I've got a lovely fresh news spool for you if you show.

Telco: See- it's working!

Customer: No it isn't- that was you.

Telco: I never!

Customer: Yes, you did!

Telco: I never did anything.

Customer: ELLO T1!!!! TESTING TESTING TESTING! This is your 9 o'clock cron job download! Now that's what I call a dead T1!

Telco: No, no, you stunned it.

Customer: STUNNED!?

Telco: Yeah- you stunned it just as it was starting to accept packets. T1s stun easily, major.

Customer: Um, now look mate. I've had enough of this. This T1 is definitely deceased, and when we hooked it up not more than a day ago, you assured me that its total inability to transmit was due to it being tired and shagged out after trying to pull across all of alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.really.really.nasty last night.

Telco: Well, it's , ah, it's just pining for the ARPANET.

Customer: PINING FOR THE ARPANET?!? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did it drop every packet as soon as we plugged it into this Sparc?

Telco: The T1 prefers to drop packets from a Sparc. Remarkable line, isn't it. Lovely bits.

Customer: Look, I took the liberty of dissassembling the smartjack last night, and found that the only reason that it looked like it was working it because you'd wired the lights to a battery.

Telco: Well, of course. If we hadn't, it might have burned the whole smartjack out-VOOM VOOM!

Customer: VOOM? Mate, this line wouldn't voom if you put four million volts through it. It's bleeding demised!

Telco: No, no, it's pining.

Customer: It's not pining, it's passed on! This line is not working! It has ceased to transmit! Bereft of data, it lies in peace. If you hadn't wired the lights it would have been recycled. It carries 0MB/sec! It's no longer functional- it's shuffled off the backbone and gone to meet its maker. THIS IS AN EX-T1!

Telco: Well, we better fix it then. 'Fraid we're all out of working T1s. Avi. I see, I see. I get the picture

Telco: I've got an AOL disk and a 2400 baud modem.

Customer: Pray, does it work?

Telco: Nnnnot really...