back | days | forth

Yah, Yah, another daylog. More scribblings from the depths (?) of my little mind.

I seem to have been volunteered to take over the running of our external webserver. I wouldn't mind, but it's a windows 2000 server with no ssh or any equivalent. All access to the machine is via FTP and therefore any passwords or content will be visible as they are transferred. Of course, it would be a doddle to use ssh or VNC to administer the box, but our stupid IT services department refuses point blank to open any ports other than 80. Which sucks.

A mind forever voyaging

I think I have to be a little harder in my life; People find it too easy to walk over me whenever they want to. If they're giving "advice", or working with me, I always seem to end up either being attacked or putting in a lot more effort into things. Thankfully my fiancee is totally different to this:

It's an affirming and deeply humbling experience to pour your fears out to someone, fearful that you are hurting them, and then to have them love you more, and make you realise just how much and how deeply you love them as well. It's a strange progression of emotions: anxiety, fear, guilt, relief, joy, love. Each one seems necessary to lead to the other, part of some little understood cyclic motion between two souls. It's not as though every time I speak to someone, I go through those stages, but they seem to bring me closer and deeper. Each time I speak to her, I love her more, I feel closer to her in ways that just a few months ago I wouldn't have thought possible.

I'm sorry if that last line seems a little clichéd, but I mean every bit of it.

I need a special advent calendar. One that counts down the days and minutes to 7am on the 23rd of December. I shan't add a daylog to that day just yet; daylogging while I am with her will just take away time when I could be stroking her face or kissing her lips. I know that some of you who read these logs will know the longing, the aching need that occurs when you are away from your beloved. This is a new experience for me, so forgive me if I write about it a little from time to time. Whenever I get my phonebill sent to me, I wonder briefly why I phone katyana so much; after a split second I remember why. I need her voice like I need to breathe, if I didn't call or have some kind of contact, then I would dry up inside or maybe just fall to pieces little by little. Each time I hear her as she answers her phone I am elated, joyful, deliriously happy just to hear her voice.

10:50 GMT

Andy's wife Yoko has given birth to their child 2 weeks early. The new baby girl's name is Hannah (hanna means flower in Japanese, apparently) and she was 7 pounds when she was born at quarter to midnight GMT on Saturday. I am really, really happy for them both; they are such great people to know.

Yay for babies!

More later, dudes...