back | days |
Something lost and something gained...
Today, after yesterday, I am still in shock. The things that happened to me, the words that were said have shaken me to the core of my being. I am still trying to examine the hurt, hold my heart up to the light and see the emotions pulsing through the red glow. But I'm still in shock. It feels empty somehow, a void gaping where there should be tears, insults, shouting and violence.
I lied; I didn't cry last night, my eyes watered quite a bit, but tears didn't flow. I wanted to cry, but I think my defence was to simply remain empty, in shock
Yet I am still deeply in love, I still woke up seeing the things I saw yesterday morning, I still walk with my hand in hers
Waking up after all this happened: Get up and run to the bathroom, I think I am late. Stay in the bath for ages, pondering what has passed. Shave carefully and remember her watching me.
In work after all this happened: Talking and apologising to mark, telling him what yesterday did to me. Trying to join in the Monday morning conversations, but failing; retreating to my desk to pour my feelings into this daylog.
I suppose these logs are my way of coming to terms with these feelings, my way to examining myself. You see, dear reader, these words are only 10% of my thoughts on any given subject. Composing these paragraphs let me go over things that have happened, things that at the time may go unexamined.
My mother, whilst driving me to work this morning, had no clue that I was so empty. I told her that I phoned my aunt and, again, she was very upset. I don't really understand the hatred that has built up between those four sisters. All I know is that I am missing out on seeing my aunts and that my mother's anger causes me pain.
This reaction from her has convinced me never to attempt to contact my father for fear of the consequences.
We all make mistakes, I forgive all that has happened from the deepest wells of my heart.
I hope the above gets across sadness, not anger; I am not angry, I don't think I ever was...
And, another thing to lighten my shallow little mind; my mobile phone (ericsson T28s) turned up, and very nice it is too...