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Am I being tested?
An email in my inbox asks me to write an essay, "do" some homework, write down some eloquent thoughts on my future. I can view this one of two ways: either This is a simple, harmless exercise, or I am under suspicion for some reason... My love for her votes for the former, but my paranoia votes for the latter. I am glad I love more than I feel paranoia
Angry Young Man
It is a sobering feeling, realising that you are oppositeantagonisticdifferent to a sibling. I've always thought that my brother would view the world in much the same way as me. But lately I have discovered that he is angry at the world, he is driven to succeed in some fashion; he is at war with others. He works 14 hour days when he is 19, he swears and curses other drivers on the road. He firmly believes that the car should be the highest priority in the world. He shouts at people who cross the road near him; he snarls and any kind of traffic calming measures he may encounter. He studies until late at night, snapping and arguing with our Mother when he becomes overtired.
Why is he like this? Doesn't he realise that all this achievement will be for nothing if he is just a shell at the end of it?
The world is a series of tests for me; Can I be eloquent enough to allay my beloved's fears? Can I complete these GED tests to prove that I am worthy of living the hallowed USA? Can I prove to the US immigration that I should be able to live there? Can I find enough money to eat more than toast over Christmas? Can I find a better job here to pay off all these debts? Am I capable of academic success? Can I really live up to her expectations of me?
Sometimes I just want to be 15 again, hiding from the bullies by staying in bed, hiding from life by never leaving the house...
Forgive me for being afraid of the world
And now, to make my day even better: I have just been told to disconnect my workstation from our network because mandrake 7.2's KDM daemon seems to be continually polling our NT servers and causing all sorts of network grief. Sigh Wait for a few hours; I know I will soon be on an official warning from my Manager.
Well, in addition to KDM killing our network, the CUPS daemon that was installed was broadcasting large amounts of crap across our network; I do wish I wasn't being blamed for this - why the hell can't people realise that I fixed the problem quickly, and that it's the stupid default configuration of Mandrake 7.2 that is at fault?