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Why must everything be so bloody difficult? Upgrading from mandrake 7.1 to 7.2 should have been easy as pie, instead it wiped my /home, removing months and months of quite precious mail. Small consolation that my manager isn't in today, his presence is floating around my desk like a malaise; asking me whether or not I have started looking at the bug tracking and whether or not the servers are being backed up. Stupid american immigration laws require either legal marriage or a bachelor's degree before I can work in the country. Yet the other way, it seems easy for someone to come work in the UK... But I want to be in the US, dammit! Severe cashflow problems loom on the horizon, I have a source of income available; the equity in my house, but selling up would be such a big step and I can't just up and leave, Can I?? Grand statements of overcoming obstacles seem hollow now I realise just what I need to do; I feel like a small child trying to make his way in a big scary adult world. Why can't I just make my way up to the american embassy in london and explain what I want to do? Why can't I just say "Hey, look dudes, I love her and want to work in the US, I want to spend time with my fiancee. Let us in, would you?" Moby doesn't seem to soothe anymore, he just sounds like so many advertising jingles twisted around each other like dead vines and ivy. Decisions, I need to make decisions, capture the almost aggressive proactivity I feel when I talk to my dearest online or over the phone, I need to take action. The world needs to just back off a little today, just leave me alone and stop giving me problems for a few days, let me deal with all this action I have to take. Be an adult and discuss this, I think; talk about serious things with my Mother like moving to the US (she hates the idea) selling my house (she hates the idea) working abroad (she hates the idea) and many other things. Try changing the channel, try flipping a mental switch to get myself into fantasy mode; elves and castles in treetops, monsters and heroes and faeries. No good, still feeling caught in circumstances and unfeeling laws that seem specifically designed to enhance my paranoia and persecution complexes, to foil my grand romantic plans.

I really, really need to go out tonight, to buy some clothes and chocolate, to have a really good cup of tea. It seems that my nick is very much evident in my persona today. I really do feel quite dizzy.

Later... venus as a boy instils tranquillity into my soul, why didn't I think of that earlier?

Later still... A mini engagement party tonight; some people say I need to get out, to chill. I agree

16:55 GMT

Feeling Better... Going to see Pitch Black tonight, then out on the town in boring Basingstoke (I shall have to convince people to grab a meal rather than try and stand up in the pubs...

Strange... I've realised that I don't view my house as home any more; I appear to have left already, at least in mind if not body...