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How does one normally feel when one knows one cannot provide everything in the world for the one they love?
Guilt? Anger? Hurt?
So, as per usual, I miscalculated the amount of money I would have left. I completely forgot about the huge phonebill that would be paid automatically. It's ironic that the amount of money I have spent on calling my beloved is equal to buying a plane ticket to fly to her... twice. But do I blame her? No. Instead I ponder my awful financial situation, I wonder why I am so terrible at living within my means. I, of course, have my usual list of excuses; I bought my house with no support from anyone and had to borrow money to pay for all the furnishings, or I should have a better job by now, or whatever. Each excuse is just a lie, a denial of the mistakes I made, whether slacking at work or just letting myself get deeper into debt through simple lazy apathy.
Even now, I sit at work waiting for yet another appraisal where I will be told to work harder, take more personal responsibility and communicate better. I wish that I was more proactive, harder working, more extroverted; but I have been like this for a long time. Again, I find myself thinking that it is someone else's fault, never my own. This time, I think I will blame my father. He left when I was 8 or 9, so it is his fault that I changed from a happy outgoing child to a withdrawn husk, never playing or laughing for a long time afterward. Of course, that is perhaps not the entire truth; I was introverted from the first year at junior school, moving a to new town perhaps scared me more than I needed at such a vulnerable time.
So, yes. Um, it's all everyone else's fault that I am such a loser at money and my job, OK? :-)
So, the point of all that tangent? Well, I have suddenly run out of money before christmas, so I will not be able to afford all the wonderful things I wanted to do for my fiancee. How does that make me feel? Damned awful. I curse the day I thought "Yeah, I will be able to pay that credit card off with next months overtime" or "Yeah, five years at XX% isn't too bad" or even "Yes, I really need that stereo."
It's not as though I have no presents for Dana, just that the pile of presents for me will be rather larger than the pile of presents for her... and that sucks, not because it is a competition, but because I have precious little money and I want to do the best for her. Huffpuff, I wish I would just win some money or something. eek, the lament of the man who is terrible with money :-(
But, in other news, I decorated an entire wall of my bedroom yesterday! So, even though I got a paint fume headache, I can now put curtains up and make one wall at least a little more homely.
One of my many bosses has just asked me to sign a bunch of christmas cards for our customers. I refrained from telling him to fuck off, instead politely declining the signing request. What exactly would I sign them? "From Anthony, the guy who makes your update CDs, even though he is a talented web designer" ??
I am sure I will get an attitude readjustment talk soon...