user since
Sun Dec 1 2002 at 18:27:00 (15.8 years ago )
last seen
Sun Dec 1 2002 at 23:05:44 (15.8 years ago )
level / experience
1 (Initiate)
mission drive within everything
Grow and Believe and It Is All POSSIBLE
Debating and making YOYOs
non-existent at this time
GOAhead or GOAway!!
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I'm a 23 year old born and raised all over Southern Cali & now on year 2 of living in Washington. Things are pretty interesting here, people seem to be more for-real up here, not like in S. Cali where everyone (w/ the exception of the kindred) seems to have this sickness that makes them urge to be a big man with a big name just because they own "cool" things, are willing to throw life and morals out the window to be what at the time is considered to be "cool". Up here in Washington most of the kids (peers) I've talked to have a passion and dreams and even just a hobbie. Where I was for the last 11 years in Cali, the kids are lost, they run around spending their days chasing their tails for their artificial high, & some of these kids are great minds, & of these kids only a few indulge in them(their minds), the others no that it is highly taboo to talk about things that might actually cause people to think. That's what happened to me there, I was EXCOMMUNICATED from there because I wasn't willing to throw all my beliefs aside and just be a good little drugged up drone. NO, I had theories about things, that for reasons unknown, no one wanted to take seriously or even try to imagine. I think I might know why, since we all started mobbin' around town together, there would be times when I would take which ever emotion was raging in me and let it take control of my "rational" being. I still had control when it hit the bottom line(I'm a Cancer, so I'm experienced in the field), but until I reached that line I would either get consumed by my thoughts of Life and start spouting my theories, I would act childish, or I would let my negativity and depression get the best of me, or I would just trip on my mental movies about what was really going on in our group(these trips I always kept in my head, I never had a clue how to bring someone in at these times, I felt it was to much or I wanted to keep it for myself) BASICALLY, I was human, hey if it didn't hurt anyone or get them in trouble, I thought eventually they would realize that these ways of being human entertained me, I wasn't this out of control mess they all thought. I even had a few good ideas. One idea was this, see the majority of us were running away or being kicked out all through high school, we all had places to stay and help out eachother with places when possible and this was fine during high school- you know high school its just one big trip and running around lost in the disshoveled mess of the city was fine. But high school passed and we were all still without a place to stay and know ray of hope to follow. Well, by this time I was no longer able to stand floating around lost without a purpose, so I stepped back from the situation and saw something that would be just what we needed, "We should all pull our heads out for a short period of time, get jobs, some money, and then go in on a place..." It was perfect this place would be homebase, you know foundation, a place to gather some thoughts about what we were each going to do from here. Well, everyone gave me a smile & nod and that was the end of that. They were all perfectly content floating around lost while slowly turning into HOLLOW CASES OF FILTH, not worring about anything except where to socialize next(socialize now means-get a high). Seeing this LACK of FuCking motivation {to grab a piece of the ever-growing Life around us and do something with it, have a say in what is, to SHOW KIDS BETTER DAYS THAN WE HAD} was realy starting to pis me off at this point,I had an idea that would work and I was sick of doing the same old rounds with the same conversations, I needed new stimulation and wanted to build something great with people I considered my family -at the time-. but no. That's when things got wicked, I had no hope, didn't see how I would have a future, and the masses started to finally influence me. I started to play their sick games, witnessing their evil tricks and scams and acting like I was just fine with it all. But I wasn't, it was killing me inside, I saw a really close friend doing what he used to do behind my back and couldn't help him see the greater good inside him, I was SAD. Remember how I said I had a handle on me thin line, well this is when I lost it. I said whatever came to mind, oh & one nite this one imperticular guy(he wasn't like the others, he had real substance) who was from our town but didn't live there anymore, was visiting. Him and me clashed like oil and water. He was very out spoken and a soft spoken passifist, He would constantly rag on me and push my buttons, I guess this made him feel big. It got under my skin but my verbal skills were awful, I was never able to stand up and retork without studdering, mubbling, or yelling 'cause I was speaking to soft. Never was I able to say "Anyways Fathead, you just wish you had the mental capabilities to understand what I'm all about", until this one nite- FatHead started in on me, then so did everyone else, I stood under a blanket in the middle of the room trying to maintain when FatHead starts calling me a Rib, {the rib in which Eve was created} you don't say your gender is what makes you better than me, he pushed the button that got me out of my shell and I unleashed great fury on his ass, not phsyical either, philosophical. I said, "Rib", and hit with defense after defense. I stood up for my self and it was fucking wonderful (and fun)! When it was over and the crowd mellowed, he came up to me and said, "You disturb me", before he never got past my looks and the rest of my shell to see what I was all about, and I let him know, "That's why your disturbed, and thank you for the compliment" From then on I started to take things a bit lighter and with a bit more balls. But it didn't matter I was still way different than those who I thought where my kin. Yeah, it was better before it was worse, but it was worse. There was another girl who would often stay at this house we got along pretty good, well, this one weekend I decided I was gonna get into my first fight, never been in one I should definetly know what its like in case I really need to one day. So all weekend I was antaganizing this girl (who usually was playing with me, weird friendship-had to be there) talking shit, telling here straight out I wanted to fight, but she wouldn't take it seriously (she was a very experienced fighter), so I would walk like a hairs space in front of here, face to face, and still she wouldn't fight, but she did however tell her boyfriend (owner of house) which got me in trouble, I told him what was up and that it was something out of the way between her and I until she brought him into it, I said she's being dumb and we should just do this, so he told her to fight me, and still she wouldn't. by the end of the nite I was kicked out of the house and ended up passing out on a brick fence (don't ask how). In the morning I awoke from my bed made for a princess and went back to the house to get my stuff. I was allowed to come in for 2 minutes to grab my shit and get out. I didn't understand then, nothing ended up getting out of hand, why did these people literly lock me out? Before I could even finish the thought, the girl I was starting shit with had decided she was ready to fight and came out of the house sreamin and swingin, she got me in the face and grabbed my hair, I was TRYING to hit her gut, didn't pack any kind of punch, didn't know how and instinct failed. So I grabbed her hair back and tried to get her on the ground where I could have a better shot, it worked, we slipped in the mud, now kicking and swinging, then I don't know how, we got up, she went inside and I dusted off what mud I could and realized, she gave me a bloody nose. By this time the whole household is peeking through the blinds, I look back, not a tear in my eye, whiped the blood from my nose, then the other girl who I was close with came out of the house to see if I was O.K., I told her I was fine and asked her what was going on, what was up with everyone, she didn't have an answer and was gonna get in trouble for conversating with me the enemy, so she gave me a hug and as the others walked out of the house to the car she went with.
After this everything for the group spiralled down out of control, about a week or so later people were arrested, girls became strippers and dope whores, while the guys found them business, I was a drone, completely shattered from my rude awakening to human behavior and the way things are. I didn't know what to do with myself, another week of playing games in this sick little society and I would be sleeping under a rock as far a way as I could be, waiting to be taken to anywhere but this soul-less place. Then my boyfriend-aquaintence at the time saved me, he had gotten kicked out also but had a plan, his friend needed a ride to Washington, my Lovey was taking him and asked if I would like to go. Without a seconds worth of thought I said yes, perfect, wonderful, I knew everything was going to work out and I had to anyway because the way the kids were heading I wasn't willing to go and couldn't stand by and watch, so We paCkeD iN tHe CaR anD WhErE off, and now we are here for 2years meeting kids that give us hope again, at times its truly beautiful, but I am keeping my distance, I don't want to believe in false family again. The kids I know back in Cali are increasingly getting worse, the whole vibe, situation is just wrong down there. We've offered for them to come out here and see what life is like outside the rat hole, but the decline they like the foul rat hole. AS far as I'm conserned they can sit in it, if that is all they are capable of doing in life that's fucking pathetic and they can have it. It will be interesting though, I'm going down to visit the family in a couple of weeks and one of my friends who has always been far beyond the rat hole, if we do run into old AQUAINTANCES, I'm not going to act conserned in the slightess, but I will make them open there eyes, I know how to get the hit across without ever showing I care.
One more thing, I wonder if they will ever be out of my mind, no, they won't but I just hope the hurt goes away, whenever we meet or hang out with kids out here that have light, I want to rush and bring them up here and show them a bit of life without being so hardup and hungry for a high is like, IT IS HARD, WIL-POWER AND MIND CONTROL BUT THATS HALF OF THE FUN, proving one thing that you are in control of you not a drug, person, obstacle, or anything else.