After a long hiatus
, I drop back into the comfy ecru confine
s of the E2 Jukka Theme
That, that smell... the smell of freshly baked nodes
... you can't go home again
say, but they are clearly wrong
I've been waiting patiently by the phone. Ginny will be spending the following year studying in Scotland, and I absolutely must see her off in grand fashion. The problem is, I think I started calling around too late... everyone is gone, visiting home, on vacation, the phones are silent and dead and I'm wondering if Ginny has already left without a chance to wish her good luck and godspeed and that's depressing. For the past month and a half, I've been looking forward to baking her a fare-thee-well cake, and if I never get a chance to present it to her, the homemade chocolate merengue will be much more bitter than sweet.
And I've met back up with the Old Flame, if indeed you can call her that, since this was also the classic one-way obsession that I'm always in. And it's very disturbing. Sheena's gained weight, an unhealthy amount. I'm no longer attracted to her. It kind of hurts to be this shallow.
Not that her personality still holds the same allure that it once did - her jokes seem more obscure than brilliant nowadays, her mannerisms are slowed and lacking that certain flip elegance, and the constant murmur of her voice that I once lived to strain to hear, I now merely strain to hear. It's just an impediment to conversation, and I feel like I can't connect with her because of it - how do you talk to a burbling creek? How do you talk to the hiss of roadnoise? That's what she sounds like to me now. Background radiation. Blends right in. And I know that for these and other, much more miniscule reasons, that I no longer love her.
But I can't shake the feeling that if she were still healthy and (relatively) vim that I would still feel quite a bit for her. And that the weight issue is the main influence on my feelings, tugging them down with its gravity. And I feel bad. But I still don't love her anymore.
I feel as though I'm somehow perpetuating someone's anorexia with this node.
And so that is what has been happening, as I write this at the dangerously late hour of 3:35 AM (curse my salaried position! curse it, I say! From now until eternity, I demand overtime pay!) and I hope to control my Everything addiction, Pedro-like, so I can continue droppin' science for the kids.