I... I really don't know what happened. I was drunk, tired, and slightly depressed that this would be the last that I'd see any friends for over a month. So, I just went over to a couch, threw down my bedding materials, and fall asleep, cradling the empty champagne bottle (Roederer Estates, Anderson Valley NV Brut... ringing endorsement to follow).

I had forgotten a rule someone once mentioned to me - never sleep at a party where you don't know the majority of people. I didn't understand that then, being a sheltered kind of kid; I've got a good idea of what he meant now.

Following is a list, in chronological order, of all the times that I woke up and took stock of the surroundings. Bear in mind that I'm seeing all of this through 20/400 vision... my glasses broke earlier in the evening, and I refrained from repairing them with white electricial tape.

  • I fall asleep. At this point, everyone is carousing drunkenly - a standard shindig, no worries. Most people I know have left.
  • Someone bumps into my leg and I awaken, barely. There's laughing, and I hear a guy yell 'Suck my nipple, Tim! Suck it!' and I drift back to sleep.
  • I roll over and awaken to more loud sounds. Someone's playing a porn tape, I gather; hissy audio and a bad funk soundtrack. It later fades into moaning. I realize that my champagne bottle is gone. After wondering if I left the bottle in the dream, I look up and figure out that there's a game of Spin the Bottle going on at the foot of the couch. Most of the participants are either shirtless or losing theirs at the moment. I sleep again.
  • I don't open my eyes. Someone cranked up the volume of the porn. The aforementioned Tim is getting naked, and everyone is cheering him on.
  • Girl's voice : 'Oh, come on. Joo see him before? Hung like a baby elephant...'
  • Someone yanks a coat out from under me - I'd been sleeping on it. A door slams. Two girls are having more 'frank sex talk' in a corner - more people unknowingly aping that annoying 'Taxi Cab Confessions' show on HBO. I get up, praying that no one cares that I'm clad only in boxers. After a quick scan, I realize that I fit right in, and that I may be the most clothed person in the room. Someone pulls a group into a room, the word 'vibrator' is tossed about. I head over to (name deleted), now the only person I know that's left. She's clad in only boxers also; I attempt to avert my eyes, and fail. I cover my eyes. I'm struggling to believe that she played that stupid game. It's not like her to do that. She enters 'bitch about everything' mode, and explains that she entered into the strip variant of the Spin the Bottle game only to piss off her boyfriend, who spent a previous weekend photographing Live Nude Lesbians in action. After that quick update on The Most Dysfunctional Relationship in History (and much more information than I ever needed to know), I walk back to the couch and collapse.
  • I get up, apparently 5 minutes later (pretty sure I didn't sleep) and go piss. As I walk by a bedroom, I hear giggling and other noises. It's very disturbing - I thought I heard more than 3 voices. I get back to the couch as soon as possible and lie down.
  • Awakened again by someone turning on a light. A girl, nude, is talking to three guys. One guy I don't know keeps saying 'What the hell just happened? What the hell did we just do?' in a slightly awed voice. The girl asks the group to all get tests, 'so we don't all die of a nasty bug'. A bit late for that, I think. Another girl (nude, natch) is getting dressed. I'm becoming somewhat frightened, now that I'm sober and hung over. I stay awake and hear the rest of the conversation, but it's all semi-overwhelmed babble. It appears that I've slept through a spontaneous orgy. (name deleted) (my friend from above) wasn't a part of it, thank God, or else I'd have to re-evaluate everything I know of her. I go back to sleep with a determined air - no strange scary nude people in my dreams.
  • It's daytime - near noon. I shower and get the hell on out of there.

Now, I'm sitting here, noding, here to tell all of y'all a very, very important lesson : Never, ever, ever sleep over at a party where you don't know the majority of the people. I've decided that yes, Virginia, ignorance is bliss, no doubt, no more caring about the fact that I've lived a sheltered, uninteresting life, and those with the interesting lives can now run around, scared, wondering just what the hell they were doing, whilist I salute them with the Binary Four. I stand proudly innocent now. And I'm no longer depressed that I'm going to be alone for a long while.