It was a small motel in the middle of nowhere. It was early in the
morning, before another 8 hour stint of driving. My parents were
shouting at each other, shouting about me. My father had been nice
enough to buy a box of donuts, wonderful glazed donuts. Of
which there were exactly three left.
I assumed they would only want one a piece.
"Garland, this has to stop. What in the hell were you thinking?"
"Leave him alone!" My mother said. My mother, who had been thin for exactly ten years at that point.
"I am sick and tired of this bullshit! You eat too damn much, Garland. Do you want us to send you to fat camp?"
My mother goes into the bathroom to brush her hair, in an angry way.
My father waves the near empty box around, and I feel how fat and
pathetic I am. My brother watched from his bed, always the last one up.
Behavior 1: Whenever there is a portion of food to share, I always
access how much I can get away with eating. I eat up to that point,
sometimes more.
A week ago, I had a massive, throbbing headache. I couldn't figure out what it was. I traced it later to the nitrates in the hotdogs.
All day I had been toasting bread and putting hotdogs in the
microwave. I did this two at a time, a knife and a jar of miracle
whip at the ready. I made certain to do this when no one would be
around to see how much I was eating. I would slather on the miracle
whip, wrap the toast around the warm hotdog, and eat quickly. I ate
the first one the fastest, shoving it down my throat, praying that the
coast would be clear a little longer. That way, if they did come out,
all they would see is me enjoying a single hotdog, standing over the
sink, looking nervous.
At this point, I am a 24 year old man, binge eating in secret.
Behavior 2: I hide how much I eat from everyone. I lie to the person I love the most about this, out of habit.
I have a love/hate relationship with buffets. It is ALLYOUCANEAT.
You would not be getting your money's worth if you didn't do just that.
My first plate is always heavy with carbs and fried food: pizza, rolls,
macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, fish nuggets, etc. etc. I begin
to panic around the middle of the second plate. I am becoming full.
I shove the rest of the food down my throat, working on borrowed time. I am literally fighting satiety.
Behavior 3: I do not eat to live. I live to eat.
This has to stop. I have an eating disorder.