Amidst all of the first of its kind events associated with the Internet (first email, first worm, first .com domain, etc.) will come the following dubious honors.

  1. First guy to have the Internet crawl up his ass. Awarded to some poor proctology patient who, surprisingly, agrees to the procedure as part of a robotic surgery experiment.
  2. First guy to have the Internet piss in his Wheaties. Awarded after an off by one error in a piece of software that drives the automatic milking machines at the dairy causes bovine waste fluids to be bottled while the milk is poured into a nearby stream.
  3. First woman to be carjacked by the Internet. After a bug a in her auto-navigation unit conspires with a bug at mapquest to send her on a frolicking journey to Des Moines, Iowa rather than downtown to a dentist appointment.
  4. First child of the Internet. Awarded as part of an artificial insemination test--the paternal material will be digitized at a remote location and then emailed to a lab that will build the appropriate little tadpole to use for the fertilization.