I want to be who I am now but have been someone else before.

Have you ever suffered this one?

I suppose most of us have at some point. It's the feeling that you quite enjoy being the ME you see in the mirror, which is good. But (I know But at the beginning of a sentence, naughty naughty!)... Anyway... But you really wish that you were the sort of person that went to X kind of social gathering Y years ago.

For me it's the feeling that I should have been much more into the Techno/Rave dance scene. This will never happen now. "Why not?" you say, well it may have something to do with the fact that I'm rapidly approaching 30 and I already get funny looks when I go to vanilla clubs.

Now there's nothing wrong with wanting to have been someone else as you grew up, this is healthy and normal I presume. You've got to remember thought, that if you were a different person then, you'd probably be a different person now. Obviously if I took lots of drugs as a teenager then I probably wouldn't want/be able to do my current job (which requires a VERY clean record to say the least).

So, I still sit here, at 4:00am in the morning struggling with the dilemma: Is it worth being someone else now so that I can be someone else in the past? Does that make any sense? Probably not. My grammar and vocab get worse and worse the sadder I get. (I wont say more depressed 'cause I've been depressed before and this aint it ;)

So I still sit here wanting the impossible. It really doesn't matter whether or not I think it's worth it to be some one else now, it isn't gonna happen. And realising that this is more a daylog than a write-up, oh well... Life continues.

Addendum: sorry about the whinging, it's a bit self absorbed, I know ;)