did you hit mommy that time i walked in and you two were fighting and she was sitting on the floor, though you both denied it?

what were you thinking when you made me touch you? when you wrestled with me? after you came to my bed that night and i pushed you away, threatening to wake up tj?

do you know i look at every penis i touch and wonder if it looks like yours since i never saw it?

do you realize how grateful you should be that i didn't have you thrown in jail?

how do you live with the guilt knowing that not only did you sexually abuse me, but you almost killed tj many years later when you two got into fist fights? your rage was so strong. you were the adult. you should have known better.

since your sexuality is so fucked, i can only wonder if you've ever jerked off thinking about me when i was younger, before or after you thought of abusing me?

what else did you want to do to me?

what else did you do to me that i don't remember? i had a dream you had sex with me once, but i don't know if it's my subconscious speculating or bringing out suppressed memories. i'm terrified of having to deal with new incidents.

do you know that ivory soap reminds me of you so i can't use it and my lovers can't use it because the smell makes me nauseous, but yet my skin is still highly allergic to most so i have to spend *more* money on special soaps?

why the hell did you give me this crappy computer when yours is soooo jacked up? you promised me a better computer in order to convince me to leave mine with my mother, and then you give me this piece of crap that i can't even upgrade unless i completely overhaul it. thanks for nothing.

do you know that after all those years of me refusing to learn handyman work from you, i sanded down and refinished a dresser and it looks half decent, and i give you props for that?

do you know that the warped and mixed-wood bookcase you built for me last minute means the world to me?

do you know that i'm constantly searching on aol to try and find you, not to talk to you -- just to see what you'd say on your profile?

do you know that i tell people that if it wasn't for the abuse, you and i would have had such a great relationship?

do you know that i can't visit grandma even if you're not there because i would smell you? i would feel your energy? i would sit on the couch and visualize you there, sleeping after a family meal?

do you know how much i miss you?

do you know how helpless i feel sometimes without you around to fix things? do you know how badly i wish i had paid attention to everything when you were teaching me things only so i wouldn't have to feel so helpless??

do you know that us going to see halley's comet in flushing meadow park is one of the few happy memories i can perfectly visualize from my childhood?

do you know that sometimes i forgive you?

do you know that when i was a teenager i was going to hire someone to kill you?

do you know that i want to relive my abuse under hypnosis in an attempt to work through it?

do you know that i'm dating a guy that's wonderful, except that he reminds me of you sometimes?

do you know, dad?
do you know that i love you?
do you know that i'm my father's daughter?
do you know that i can't ever forgive you?
do you know how much i miss you?
do you know how sick you make me?

do you know, dad?
do you know?
do you know who i am?
do you know how strong i am?
do you know i wish i was still your little girl?