i node offline...this had been sitting in notepad unfinished for some time...didn't want to post it today..needed to get it said. Sorry for the discontinuity!
i don't have the
balls to be my own person.
ironic, considering i'm inclined to be this eclectic strange being (as you've all seen) but i tend to worry too much about what
you think, about what
he or
she thinks, instead of finding and living in my own
vibe.
i've been thinking on this for a while, but the realization just hit. i was washing my delicates in the bathroom sink, hating every thing that i'm washing. hating every article of clothing that i have. hating. hating myself because i can't achieve a certain look on a given day. my punk clothes aren't punk enough. my raverish clothes aren't raverish enough. my yuppy clothes aren't yuppy enough. i worry so much about appealing to a genre of people via the dress code, at the very least, since i feel i barely belong anywhere. might as well look like i do. who i am is not enough.
the thing is, I can hide in groups. I can look like I'm part of the picture. the problem is that I'm always a friend of the family.
But I can't even get out of the habit of trying to please other people I know, friends who have already accepted my insides. Conversely, I can't stop critiquing those close to me who don't meet my perfect picture of what I want them to look and feel and act like. Is my trying to change them a direct reflection of my inability to be my own self? Why am I trying to achieve this picture perfect setup?
I know part of it is taught. Part of it is, in fact, all those years of lovers and family members injecting that into my head. An ex-boyfriend accepted me being tomboyish, but I felt he was (not so) secretly wishing I'd get more girly already.
All those years of being told I'll grow out of the tomboy, pervert, witchy, wanderlust-filled, eclectic, strange, passionate being I'm inclined to be. If I now know this is me, why do I still feel the need to ask you for permission to colour my hair? Can I have permission to be comfortable in my own skin, too, please?