"Fly the Proud Dork!"
A fake airline dreamed up by Sierra On-Line in 1991. Sierra printed a pamphlet resembling the envelope that airline tickets are distributed in (with all the fine print about your ticket) and included it with a couple of their DOS-based games that same year. In the pamphlets were printed flight schedules, which were associated with symbols, and used to get past the copy protection at the beginning of the game it came with.
The remainder of the paper, though, was filled with an advertisement for Phordde Lima, an imaginary car rental agency, and the following fine print (in 5-point text):
Passengers are limited to 3 articles of baggage: 1 (1) carry-on which must be no larger than 24"x18"x20" to fit beneath the seat or in the overhead compartment and containing no more than 2 (2) magazines, 1 (1) mini-packet of tissues, which will no doubt end up stuffed into the seat pocket in front of you or jammed permanently into the little ashtray set in the armrest, 4 (four) snack items including half-melted chocolate bars, stale peanuts, or roll candy marked up to five times its usual street price by greedy and unscrupulous airport concession owners, 1 (1) paperback novel of up to 1000 pages, either Stephen King or Robert Ludlum (no V.C. Andrews, Anne McAffrey or Louis L'Amour), up to 10 (10) rolls of film and/or 10 (5x2) computer diskettes, all destroyed by repeated passes through the X-ray machine by cavalier and holier-than-thou security personnel just DYING to inconvenience you to the maximum extent of the law, pen and pencil for filling out the crossword puzzle in the in-flight magazine (said crossword puzzle already having been 95% solved by the last jerk who didn't take the magazine with him), assorted analgesics (buffered or unbuffered), chewing gum in order to ineffectively combat the physical agony of changes in air pressure, causing your head to apparently swell to several times its original size as your eardrums bulge painfully outward until they begin to dislodge from your ear canals, address book with the phone numbers of the people you're supposed to call when you arrive at your destination and find that nobody's there to meet you, and your ticket stub to show the idiot who waltzes down the aisle and accuses YOU of sitting in HIS seat, only to find that he has the seat NEXT to you instead (his mistake, and does he even bother to apologize? Well, yes, but it doesn't make YOU feel any better for having been embarrassed in public like that) and you can just bet he'll be picking his nose in his sleep throughout the flight, tipping over until his disgusting cheek is pressing against your shoulder, but you can't wake him or else he'll want to talk to you and ask "So, where are you going?" or some other ludicrously obvious questions; 2 (to) pieves of checked baggage which may or may not be pretentiously with the name of some clothing or perfume designer who's under the delusion that he or she knows the first thing about what makes for intelligently designed luggage, and insurable in case of loss by somebody other than this airline who might be willing to give you two cents on the dollar for your so-called estimation of the value of your belongings, which is sure to be at least twice their actual value, but who cares, we're an airline, we can afford it, isn't that what you're thinking, but the whole truth is that we're as close to bankruptcy as any of the other major airlines that've gone down in the toilet in the past few years (ever since that splendid deregulation the government thought would be so lovely), and containing at least one (won) nice suit just in case you get to go to a good restaurant or a show, but you probably won't, which is just as well since the suit doesn't fit particularly well ever since you gained back that 7 (seven) pounds you spent last year trying to work off, two (too) pairs of good shoes which you just know are going to end up giving you blisters when you find yourself wearing them 14 (fourteen) hours a day instead of just to (2) dinner or cocktails like you originally thought, one (the loneliest number) sweater you won't be enough when the temperature drops to a new all-time low, even though your friends assured you that all you'd need would be maybe one light jacket and oh, be SURE to bring plenty of shorts and bathing suits because it's supposed to be very warm all week, shows how much they know, doesn't it, and one (one) pair of headphones stolen from your last flight, but of course you weren't surprised when you got home and found they're not really headphones at all, they're just hollow plastic tubes that durect the sound towards your ears , so you didn't really need them in the first place, you could have just turned the volume up all the way and scrunched down in your seat and put your ear near the two little holes and listened to the whole movie for free, but no, you stole the cheap headphones and you'd better be discreet because the flight attendant knows perfectly well you didn't pay for those, since they're clearly marked with the name of a different airline that doesn't just HAND OUT headphones for you to keep, so maybe she'll take them away from you and send them back to the other airline, oh come on you're just being paranoid, even so maybe you'd better just forget the movie or the in-flight music (static) and thumb through the catalog of miniature airplanes and hundreds of doo-dads all with AERODORK printed on them, but as it turns out, there IS no catalog in the seat pocket in front of you, the only one is in the seat pocket of the seat NEXT to you, which means you run the risk of waking and/or irritating the guy who's sleeping on your shoulder, not really worth it, is it, but after all, they HAVE asked you to close your window for the benefit of those who DO want to watch the movie, but where's the justice in that, after all it's your seat and you have a perfect right to look out the window if you want to, this is NOT a movie theatre, so you leave the window open anyway, not because you want to see what's outside but because it's your little way of getting back at the airline which unceremoniously bumped you from a previous flight because they stupidly overbooked by 90 (ninety) people and then had to tell 50 (fifty) of them to get up and vacate their seats, gee, we're terribly sorry for the minor inconvenience, but we'll give you a free ticket anywhere we fly, but of course you could just as easily end up being bumped from THAT flight, and on and on until you've got hundreds and hundreds (100s + 100s) of free tickets and haven't been able to go on a single (1) flight without being bumped, anyway, that's an exaggeration but it COULD happen, especially the way this airline treats you, so why don't you just show them a thing or two and send back your Frequent Masochist card cut in half and take the TRAIN, I'll tell you why, because the train costs just as much and takes 10 times longer, that's why, and besides, like they're really going to care if one (1) of their passengers takes the train instead, why fight it, just take the plane and once, maybe just once, the plane will take off and land on time, instead of just sitting on the runway for an hour-and-a-half (90m) while they decide if the plane is in good enough condition to take you, and you look out the window and can see the maintenance men standing around shaking their heads, uh-oh, this flight is doomed, but I'd feel too (2) silly getting off the plane in front of everybody now, God, why are they even DEBATING about it, if they're not sure, why are they going to take the chance, after all we're human beings in here, well, most of us are anyway except for that couple with the squalling infant, don't they know better than to bring a baby on an airplane, the baby will hate it and it will ruin the flight for everybody else, why didn't they just check the damn baby with the baggage, oh, wait a minute - baggage, that's right, you can bring two (2.0) items checked through and one (1/1) carry-on and that's it, and the airline will repay you $100 (one hundred) for every bag lost, but they'll take their own sweet time paying you that $100 (like that's even going to begin to replace ANYTHING in the bag, I bet those airlines just rip off the bags and sell the contents and even if they get around to paying the person the $100 for their "lost" (oh-ho) baggage they still make a major profit, I bet that's exactly what they do, son-of-a-gun, I'm going to write a letter to the President of this airline and tell him exactly what I think of his racket, that's just what I'm going to do, I mean what the hell, I've got this whole flight and I can give the letter right to the Flight Attendant to pass directly to the Airline President, but who am I kidding, they'll probably just read it to each other in the galley back there and laugh at me and then throw the letter out, I'm never going to write this letter, I might as well just plug in my illegal headphones and watch the movie.
Note: No periods have been omitted.
Bet you'll never look at those "Ticket Restrictions" the same way again.