Type of day: productive for mundane duties, but emotionally the kind of day I do not wish to be part of. Spiritually the kind of day that kicked my butt HARd.

Productive becuase I rearranged my living room and found things I forgot I had. Also, I created a wonderful plant corner by one of my windows that junglified my apartment nicely. But somehow, a 40 watt bulb in my favorite lamp grew much brighter after I moved it across the room. It looks gross now. Strange things happen in this aparment.

Emotionally horrible becuase I admitted to myself that I have been lied to for far too long. But I was the one who lied to me. One deep look around, and I don't know why I spend so much time with so many shmucks. There is that one Law of Affinity that each will seek out his own level, and by golly, I am ready for a better level.


whew. OK then.

I watched Magnolia too. What a strange flick. So much something.

Spiritually today had also kicked my butt as I had stated at the start of this log. See sometimes, I am visited by this little evil elf. He shows me my darkside. All the evil I hide inside of me like everyone else does... hoping that no one sees... he shows me all the black spots on my heart and then asks me what I am going to do about them. Once in awhile I hate the little elf. I have never really seen him. But I know it is him who is causing these introspecitve tornadoes of melancholy that make me contemplate the darkness in my heart and want to OD on the nearest anything.

But after these introspective tornadoes of melancholy and self doubt pass, and I look at all the things that have been drudged up from my subconcious by the little damn elf... everything seems clearer... lighter... better.
and if I have been prompted to do something and follow through with it, aftwards, everything is more amazing than I can imagine. Until the damn elf shows up again pushing me further into what seems like an abyss.

Sometimes he takes me on tours of what others REALLY think of me, and what I am wasting my time doing... the perspective of his tours are always that of a dog's eye view, or an eagle's eye view.. this is how i determined he is an elf with the ability to fly. Or perhaps hover.

yes indeed. I have been unmedicated for almost 9 months now. Sometimes, I don't know if it's a good thing.

It's hard when there is nothing to hang onto when the world falls apart. So I bought this stuffed owl today.