(Excerpts from the Book of the Nation of Eahtoo)
The Old Testament
Genesis
1 In the beginning was Nate. 2 Nate begat the EDC; and the EDC begat Everything2; and Everything2 begat the BAP; and the BAP begat many, many zany antics. 3 Nate saw all he had made, and, behold, it was very good. 4 And the evening and the morning were the first day.
...
1 In a dream, an angel of the Lord didst descend to St. Carla of Medford from on high saying:
2 "Thou shalt build me a temple. It shall measure 70 cubits wide by 19 cubits long by 5 cubits tall, built entirely of gopher wood. 3 Thou shalt bring forth people from every corner of the earth -- the short, the tall, the young, the old, those near, and those far. 4 Verily, verily shall all partake in merriment for the duration of three days. Not four, and not two, unless thou then proceedeth to three. 5 Five is right out."
6 St. Carla and
St. Miller thus did plan as was commanded:
7 From the tribe of the holy land came
cahla, and
Chihuahua Grub, and
cobie, and
cowofdoom, and
danne, and
donfreenut, and
drunkenmonkey, and
FatAlbertTheta, and
hemos, and
herbman, and
illumina, and
Indra363, and
jaybonci, and
jm, and
Orange Julius, and
Snowy, and
SophiesCat and
the custodian, and
uncleozzy; And
8 from the
tribe of
Phillipi came
hamster bong; And
9 from the
tribe of
Zoahar came
dis and
foxtrotjuliet; And
10 from the
tribe of
Ammon came
briiiiian, and
karma debt, and
liha, and
ModernAngel and
panamaus; And
11 from the
tribe of
Moab came
jethro bodine; And
12 from the
tribe of
Jabbok came
girlface; And
13 from the
tribe of
Hebron came
burnboy and
czarkhan; And
14 from the
tribe of
Ezion-Gezber came
disgruntledwren; And
15 from the
tribe of
Zobah came
cerulean and
czeano; And
16 from the
tribe of
Arnon came
clampe, and
cowboyneal, and
kaytay, and
Kendall, and
the gilded frame and
void_ptr; And
17 from the
tribe of
Micah came
ailie, and
aresds, and
dmd and
N-Wing; And
18 from the
tribe of
Judea came
Chiisuta, and
crux, and
infinite burn, and
metacognizant, and
perdedor, and
Phyllis Stein and friends, and
QXZ, and
Sondheim, and
thefez, and
walter, and
yossarian and
yru; And
19 from the
tribe of
Bethany came
Mitzi; And
20 from the
tribe of
Gideon came
ccunning, and
tandex, and
zot-fot-piq and
_the_devil_ (but our Lord didn't mind... much.); And
21 from the
tribe of
Nazareth came
ideath; And
22 from the
tribe of
Gergesea came
brassmule and
pyrogenic; And
23 from the
tribe of
Capernaum came
moxie; And
24 from the
tribe of
Samaria came
karmaflux and
WonkoDSane; And
25 from the
tribe of
Azariah came
radlab0;
26 And thus on the Evening of
April 25, 2002, the Year of our Lord, the
sons and daughters of
Eahtoo joined together in
the Lord's house and merriment didst ensue as wast foretold.
Exodus
1 Now these are the wanderings of the nation of Eahtoo through the wilderness, leaving captivity to the land of their sojourn. 2 The glorious leader spake then from on high these words, saying:
3 Thou shalt wander through the deserts of the holy land in search of food and water.
4 Thou shalt take with you no possessions but those which I grant to you.
5 Thou shalt divide into the clans I specify to you, no more, no less.
6 Thou shalt walk or take camels on your way. Chariots are evil in my sight.
7 Thou shalt bring back and render unto me all that which I have commanded you to find.
8 Thou shalt, at all costs, come in personal contact with the ark of our covenant.
9 Thou shalt visit our brother, who is held in captivity in a far away, strange land.
10 Thou shalt keep thine clans organized under leadership of a levite.
11 Thou shalt, if thy so desire, purchase bondservants to help you on thy journeys.
12 Thou shalt not return here until hath passed forty days and forty nights.
13 And when the people didst hear all that was said, they
trembled with fear and set to their
appointed duties.
...
1 Now are the chronicles of one certain clan: QXZ, brother of Walter, brother of Dis, brother of Danne, all begat of Wren.
2 All were weary from the pilgrimage to Mount Zion, so they decided to feast on the milk and honey that were plentiful across the river. 3 After the passing of one hour, they set out for the land of Nod. 4 In the land of Nod, there was Mount Horeb where they thus retrieved five of the appointed stones and headed for Mount Sin. 5 Upon reaching Mount Sin, they partook in merriment and rejoicing with the Clan of the Sacred Fez before departing on their journey to the deserts of Zin.
6 Upon reaching the burial grounds of deserts of Zin, they searched for the gravesite of the fallen father to no avail. 7 They then proceeded to wander in search of their brother jauberiah for 3 days, only to find him in a faraway, strange land, in captivity at a market. 8 Unable to free him, the clan didst wander back to Mount Zion to rest and fellowship with their brethren.
Judges
1 At the appointed time, all the
clans didst meet together with one another at the base of
Mount Zion to have their actions judged by the
King and
Queen.
2 All were
held accountable for their various deeds, both
good and
evil.
3 The judging lasted for
twenty days, but at it's end, no champion of the nation of
Eahtoo could verily be announced.
...
4 Once all were prepared to overtake the Land of Milk and Honey, the entire nation circled round three times, gave a mighty shout, and the walls came tumbling down. 5 Led by the Queen, the nation ate, drank (except the young or chaste), and participated in festivities. 6 During the pillage, many messengers were sent to and from every corner of the land, sharing battle plans, tactical information, and mandates from the queen.
7 When the enemy was wiped from the record of history and all prepared to depart, It was noticed that some soldiers had taken gold from the temple there, but after the call was sent out, gold was donated in abundance and Father Hemos prepared the sacrifice as was mandated by the Law. Amen. 8 Upon the coming of twenty third hour, the nation did depart to camp for the night.
...
1 At the foot of Mount Zion that evening, Father Clifford joined Bartley and Laurel in the most holy of matrimony (until death do they part).
The New Testament
Acts of the Apostles
1 On the morning of the passover, all arose and traveled to
the Temple in Jerusalem for feasting and merrymaking.
St. Jared of the
tribe of
Gideon was to prepare a
sacrifice to rival the one prepared by
the King, and all were gathering to take eat.
2 After many journeys to local
markets, the
materials desired by
the king were arranged to offer the sacrifice.
3 All who weren't of
the King's court or a
bondservant of
St. Jared were asked to leave the
temple during the preparation.
4 During the preparation, the
nation of
Eahtoo kept themselves occupied outside the
temple by playing
with dreidels, playing
harps and singing,
making burnt offerings at the gate of the temple, and
worshipping a golden calf.
5 After three hours of
preparation, the
sacrifice was presented, and
did find favor in the eyes of the people.
6 The saints performed many miracles, including
turning water into wine, and the feasting didst continue on into the night and verily into the next day.
...
1 Hear, O Israel the missionary journeys of your brethren! 2 Those who have found fortune to live in the Holy land rode their chariots to all corners of Jerusalem to gather friends and neighbors to themselves. 3 The queen, St. Tedd, some servants, and many brothers all earned the favor of their peers for bringing friends and neighbors from the far gates of the city to the temple. 4 One certain servant, who didst travel to Jerusalem recently, got lost many, many times, but had audience with the Queen to guide him along.
Revelation
1 In the end, all
scattered to the ends of the earth from whence they came.
2 A good time was had by all, and memories were made that time
cannot and shall not destroy.
3 Many,
many more people were witness to this account than could be recorded here,
but they have not and shall not be ignored or forgotten.
4 The entire weekend was absolute magic,
and all who came have my deepest heartfelt gratitude.
...
1 Oh, hasten the day of thine return!
2 Amen.