(Excerpts from the Book of the Nation of Eahtoo)

The Old Testament


     1 In the beginning was Nate. 2 Nate begat the EDC; and the EDC begat Everything2; and Everything2 begat the BAP; and the BAP begat many, many zany antics. 3 Nate saw all he had made, and, behold, it was very good. 4 And the evening and the morning were the first day.


     1 In a dream, an angel of the Lord didst descend to St. Carla of Medford from on high saying:

2 "Thou shalt build me a temple. It shall measure 70 cubits wide by 19 cubits long by 5 cubits tall, built entirely of gopher wood. 3 Thou shalt bring forth people from every corner of the earth -- the short, the tall, the young, the old, those near, and those far. 4 Verily, verily shall all partake in merriment for the duration of three days. Not four, and not two, unless thou then proceedeth to three. 5 Five is right out."
     6 St. Carla and St. Miller thus did plan as was commanded:

     7 From the tribe of the holy land came cahla, and Chihuahua Grub, and cobie, and cowofdoom, and dann, and donfreenut, and drunkenmonkey, and FatAlbertTheta, and hemos, and herbman, and illumina, and Indra363, and jaybonci, and jm, and Orange Julius, and Snowy, and SophiesCat and the custodian, and uncleozzy; And
     8 from the tribe of Phillipi came hamster bong; And
     9 from the tribe of Zoahar came dis and foxtrotjuliet; And
     10 from the tribe of Ammon came briiiiian, and karma debt, and liha, and ModernAngel and panamaus; And
     11 from the tribe of Moab came jethro bodine; And
     12 from the tribe of Jabbok came girlface; And
     13 from the tribe of Hebron came burnboy and czarkhan; And
     14 from the tribe of Ezion-Gezber came disgruntledwren; And
     15 from the tribe of Zobah came cerulean and czeano; And
     16 from the tribe of Arnon came clampe, and cowboyneal, and kaytay, and Kendall, and the gilded frame and void_ptr; And
     17 from the tribe of Micah came ailie, and aresds, and dmd and N-Wing; And
     18 from the tribe of Judea came Chiisuta, and crux, and infinite burn, and metacognizant, and perdedor, and Phyllis Stein and friends, and QXZ, and Sondheim, and thefez, and walter, and yossarian and yru; And
     19 from the tribe of Bethany came Mitzi; And
     20 from the tribe of Gideon came ccunning, and tandex, and zot-fot-piq and _the_devil_ (but our Lord didn't mind... much.); And
     21 from the tribe of Nazareth came ideath; And
     22 from the tribe of Gergesea came brassmule and pyrogenic; And
     23 from the tribe of Capernaum came moxie; And
     24 from the tribe of Samaria came karmaflux and WonkoDSane; And
     25 from the tribe of Azariah came radlab0;

     26 And thus on the Evening of April 25, 2002, the Year of our Lord, the sons and daughters of Eahtoo joined together in the Lord's house and merriment didst ensue as wast foretold.


     1 Now these are the wanderings of the nation of Eahtoo through the wilderness, leaving captivity to the land of their sojourn. 2 The glorious leader spake then from on high these words, saying:

     3 Thou shalt wander through the deserts of the holy land in search of food and water.
     4 Thou shalt take with you no possessions but those which I grant to you.
     5 Thou shalt divide into the clans I specify to you, no more, no less.
     6 Thou shalt walk or take camels on your way. Chariots are evil in my sight.
     7 Thou shalt bring back and render unto me all that which I have commanded you to find.
     8 Thou shalt, at all costs, come in personal contact with the ark of our covenant.
     9 Thou shalt visit our brother, who is held in captivity in a far away, strange land.
     10 Thou shalt keep thine clans organized under leadership of a levite.
     11 Thou shalt, if thy so desire, purchase bondservants to help you on thy journeys.
     12 Thou shalt not return here until hath passed forty days and forty nights.
     13 And when the people didst hear all that was said, they trembled with fear and set to their appointed duties.


     1 Now are the chronicles of one certain clan: QXZ, brother of Walter, brother of Dis, brother of Dann, all begat of Wren.

     2 All were weary from the pilgrimage to Mount Zion, so they decided to feast on the milk and honey that were plentiful across the river. 3 After the passing of one hour, they set out for the land of Nod. 4 In the land of Nod, there was Mount Horeb where they thus retrieved five of the appointed stones and headed for Mount Sin. 5 Upon reaching Mount Sin, they partook in merriment and rejoicing with the Clan of the Sacred Fez before departing on their journey to the deserts of Zin.
     6 Upon reaching the burial grounds of deserts of Zin, they searched for the gravesite of the fallen father to no avail. 7 They then proceeded to wander in search of their brother jauberiah for 3 days, only to find him in a faraway, strange land, in captivity at a market. 8 Unable to free him, the clan didst wander back to Mount Zion to rest and fellowship with their brethren.


     1 At the appointed time, all the clans didst meet together with one another at the base of Mount Zion to have their actions judged by the King and Queen. 2 All were held accountable for their various deeds, both good and evil. 3 The judging lasted for twenty days, but at it's end, no champion of the nation of Eahtoo could verily be announced.


     4 Once all were prepared to overtake the Land of Milk and Honey, the entire nation circled round three times, gave a mighty shout, and the walls came tumbling down. 5 Led by the Queen, the nation ate, drank (except the young or chaste), and participated in festivities. 6 During the pillage, many messengers were sent to and from every corner of the land, sharing battle plans, tactical information, and mandates from the queen.
     7 When the enemy was wiped from the record of history and all prepared to depart, It was noticed that some soldiers had taken gold from the temple there, but after the call was sent out, gold was donated in abundance and Father Hemos prepared the sacrifice as was mandated by the Law. Amen. 8 Upon the coming of twenty third hour, the nation did depart to camp for the night.


     1 At the foot of Mount Zion that evening, Father Clifford joined Bartley and Laurel in the most holy of matrimony (until death do they part).

The New Testament

Acts of the Apostles

     1 On the morning of the passover, all arose and traveled to the Temple in Jerusalem for feasting and merrymaking. St. Jared of the tribe of Gideon was to prepare a sacrifice to rival the one prepared by the King, and all were gathering to take eat. 2 After many journeys to local markets, the materials desired by the king were arranged to offer the sacrifice. 3 All who weren't of the King's court or a bondservant of St. Jared were asked to leave the temple during the preparation.
     4 During the preparation, the nation of Eahtoo kept themselves occupied outside the temple by playing with dreidels, playing harps and singing, making burnt offerings at the gate of the temple, and worshipping a golden calf. 5 After three hours of preparation, the sacrifice was presented, and did find favor in the eyes of the people. 6 The saints performed many miracles, including turning water into wine, and the feasting didst continue on into the night and verily into the next day.


     1 Hear, O Israel the missionary journeys of your brethren! 2 Those who have found fortune to live in the Holy land rode their chariots to all corners of Jerusalem to gather friends and neighbors to themselves. 3 The queen, St. Tedd, some servants, and many brothers all earned the favor of their peers for bringing friends and neighbors from the far gates of the city to the temple. 4 One certain servant, who didst travel to Jerusalem recently, got lost many, many times, but had audience with the Queen to guide him along.


     1 In the end, all scattered to the ends of the earth from whence they came. 2 A good time was had by all, and memories were made that time cannot and shall not destroy. 3 Many, many more people were witness to this account than could be recorded here, but they have not and shall not be ignored or forgotten. 4 The entire weekend was absolute magic, and all who came have my deepest heartfelt gratitude.


     1 Oh, hasten the day of thine return!

     2 Amen.