My
girlfriend was in town . . . we made
pizza (not
frozen), watched a
movie, went
shopping for groceries,
etc.
I told my girlfriend about the problems I've been having the past two weeks with another girl. She thought this meant I was breaking up with her. This isn't true, but I've determined that the only way I can continue to maintain the relationship is to refrain from socializing with other people, this time totally. I had, in the past, eliminated situations which had any element of sexuality at all. This had spread, and I began to see sex where there was none before. I had started to become anxious at any social function unless my girlfriend was present. Even then, she didn't help all the time, and I couldn't quite explain it. I have, admittedly amatureishly, diagnosed myself with social anxiety disorder, but I don't care. I've decided that should I want to prevent any accidental seduction of other females, I should avoid them, and because they make up 50%+ of the population anyway, I should just avoid people. We cried. My eyes still hurt. She drove off back to her home.
I'm in the middle of the essay in A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again about Television. DFW has a lot of interesting thoughts on the subject. I can't wait to finish it. I've read absolutely none of The House of the Spirits or Memoirs of a Beatnik, though I guess I should read House because I need to write a paper for Monday.
Suppose the rather large paragraph above should be expained by this: I'm a really really nice guy. I tell women they are beautiful when they are, etc. I'm simply honest. One woman has seemingly fell in love with me, and I still have a girlfriend. Both of these women make my guts go gooey when I'm with them, but there can be only one. I must choose, and I really really really don't want to hurt anyone. I still wonder if it's possible to love two people. It doesn't matter. I have to kill off whatever part of me feels for the other woman, the way she makes me feel. The smell of her purfume. Her sense of humor. The scars she has placed all over her own body. Those things I love about her.
Got a credit card bill today, and I have less credit available than I thought I did. I gather it's all interest. I need to get it together and just pay these things off. I should have enough to pay off the landlord for this month's rent. Like yesterday, I'm soliciting for your spare pennies to help pay my tuition. Send them to: dan/405 Normal/Normal IL 61761. If I get any, and I publish a book, I'll try and fit you into the acknowledgments part of the book. Heh.
Right now, I'm listening to Nirvana's cover of the Leadbelly song Where Did You Sleep Last Night? over and over and over again.
My eyes hurt.