Green Gorilla (thing)

Green Gorilla

Late one afternoon, a salesman's BMW breaks down in the nowhere right by a farmhouse surrounded by a white picket fence. He gets up to the door, knocks, and an elderly woman answers.

"Hello young man."

"Good afternoon, ma'am. I seem to be having some car trouble."

"Oh, my, that's not very good. I'll get my husband. Why don't you come in and sit down while I find him."

And, so, he does. He sits in the foyer. Across from the chair he's sitting in there is a huge picture of a gorilla.

"Why, hello there, young lad," the elderly gentleman says to the salesman. "I hear you're having some car trouble. My name is Roosevelt, Frank." Frank Roosevelt chuckled. "No, before you ask, I was never president."

The salesman laughed politely, thinking the joke quite lame. "Yes, my car seems to have stalled outside. The name's Black, Berry Black."

"Well, Mr. Black, shall we take a look."

So, Mr. Black and Mr. Roosevelt go and examine the car.

"Hey, Berry, you can try and start it so I can listen to hear the noises."

Mr. Black tries to start the car, but it makes some weird noise that he can't place and then stops abruptly. Frank listens, ear cocked.

"Try again." he says. Same noise.

"Hmm, I think it's got something to do with the carburetor."

When Berry opened the hood, and Frank pointed out the carburetor and what he thought might be wrong with it.

"But there's no real way to check it out. The closest mechanic that'll work on foreign cars is at least 50 miles away. It's just a lot of trouble to get it there tonight and stay in a hotel and all that. Why don't you stay with us for dinner and sleep here. We've got a spare bedroom for when the kids come back to visit that you can stay in."

Berry thought for a few seconds before accepting the offer. When they got in, dinner was already on the table. A large ham with pineapples on it, stuffing (homemade, not the Stove Top stuff), mashed potatoes and gravy, fresh cranberries, and a huge salad. Everything looked like it belonged in a commercial. Berry sheepishly grinned as he accepted offers for a second and then a third portion. Then, desert, apple pie freshly baked with ice cream on top. It was superb.

Leaning back and relaxing in the chair, Berry was offered a cigar (Cuban) and, as Mrs. Roosevelt cleaned the table off, he talked with Frank.

"So, Mr. Roosevelt --"

“Please: Frank."

"Okay. So, Frank, if you weren't president, are you related?"

“Oh yes. I knew Teddy personally, he was my uncle. We went on safari together often back in the old days."

Mentally calculating the age in his head, 20 years old when he went with Teddy on safari in about 1910, so this fellow had to be over 100 years old.

"Oh, Mr. Black, I know what you're thinking. He's either off his rocker or he's lying. Well, it's neither, good boy. I'd like to show you something."

So, Berry followed Mr. Roosevelt into a dark room, and when the lights were turned on, Berry was startled by the head of a lion.

But only the head. And as Berry looked around, there were animal heads all over the walls. Lions, Tigers, Bears, Elephants, Deer, Zebra, Cheetah, even a Giraffe. A full black puma skin laid on the floor as a rug, its mouth open to the fireplace. However, in the center of the room was a full animal, totally stuffed. A huge albino elephant with the tusks still in. Also, on the wall was a picture of a man with Teddy Roosevelt. "See," Mr. Roosevelt said, "That's me and Teddy on safari in Kenya."

Berry was visibly impressed.

"When in Africa, we saved some shaman's daughter from being mauled by a tiger. They cast spells on me and Teddy to slow down old age. Teddy, well, he was reckless, and died because of it."

"Wow. And you shot all these animals?" he asked.

"Oh yes, and many more. That one, over there," Frank pointed to a particularly large specimen, "That's the one that almost killed that girl. I wanted to put more animals up, but there's only so much wall, if you know what I mean." The old man chuckled. "I have something more, though." He reached up and pulled on one of the elephant's tusks.

An opening appeared on the wall.

They walked on and on and on and on down this long corridor and came to a door with one window. Inside, Berry could see flames and he heard Mr. Roosevelt over his shoulder. "You'll need to put this on," and gave him a fireproof suit, you know, the ones with the little goggle things in them? So, they put on the suits and they opened the door and walked through the flames, and they were sweating and panting because the suits were so hot and finally after Berry thought it would never end, they came to a door. They opened it, walked through out of the flames and took off the suits, and left them on some hooks next to the door.

Then they walked on and on and on and on down this long corridor and came to a door with one window. Inside, Berry could see nothing, but he heard Mr. Roosevelt over his shoulder. "You'll need this" and he gave him a can of Off Mosquito Spray. "Full of mosquitoes," Frank said. And he sprayed himself all over until he was dripping with the glop. Berry did the same, and they opened the door and ran through the mosquitoes, while spraying themselves more, and they kept getting bit and bit and bit and then the came to another door, walked out. They put their cans of Off on a shelf.

Then they walked on and on and on and on down this long corridor and came to a door with one window. Inside, Berry could see nothing, and Frank opened up the door. Inside there was a huge wall-to-wall pool full of piranhas with one board across it. "Be careful," Frank said to Berry. Berry almost fell off once, but Frank grabbed his arm, allowing him to regain balance. They walked onward. Finally they reached the other end of the pool and a door.

Then they walked on and on and on and on down this long corridor and came to a door with no window. Frank opened it. Berry then saw, enclosed in a giant glass sphere that was suspended in mid-air, the Green Gorilla.

It said, "Helllllll-oooooooowwwwww," real slowly.

Frank said, "I found him deep in the jungles of Africa. I couldn't shoot him. He's a one-of-a-kind. That's enough. Don't come back down here and don't tell anyone about this. Okay?"

Berry agreed and they left the room.

Then they walked on and on and on and on down this long corridor and came to a door with one window. Inside, Berry could see nothing, and Frank opened up the door. Inside there was a huge wall-to-wall pool full of piranhas with one board across it. "Be careful," Frank said to Berry again. Berry didn't almost fell off this time. Finally they reached the other end of the pool and a door.

Then they walked on and on and on and on down this long corridor and came to a door with one window. They each grabbed their bottle of mosquito spray. They sprayed themselves all over until they was dripping with the glop and they opened the door and ran through the mosquito's, while spraying themselves more, and they kept getting bit and bit and bit and then the came to another door, walked out. They put their cans of Off on the shelf.

They walked on and on and on and on down this long corridor and came to a door with one window. Inside, Berry could see flames and they put on their fireproof suits, you know, the ones with the little goggle things in them? So, they put on the suits and they opened the door and walked through the flames, and they were sweating and panting because the suits were so hot and finally after Berry thought it would never end, they came to a door. They opened it, walked through out of the flames and took off the suits, and left them on some hooks next to the door.

Then they walked down this long long long corridor and then they're finally out in the room with the animal heads.

"Your room is upstairs, third on your right. Sleep well." and Frank left and went to sleep.

Berry couldn't. He laid in the bed, which was so womb-like as to be almost irresistible, but Berry couldn't stand it no more so he had to see the green gorilla again.

So, he walked downstairs, pulled a tusk of the elephant, and went though the opening. He walked down the long long long hallway to the flame room. He put the flameproof suit on (you know the one with those little goggle thingies in them?), and he ran though the flames, out the door, and took off the suit. Then he went down this long long long hallway to the mosquito room, and he grabbed both cans of Off and sprayed himself all over and ran though the room with both cans spraying him, and he got out. Then he went down the long long long hallway and found the piranha room, and he walked over the beam and out the door and down the long long long hallway until he got to the chamber of the Green gorilla.

And it said "Hel-loooooooowwwwww," real slowly.

Berry reached up and touched the sphere that the gorilla was in and it shattered at his very touch. The gorilla fell down, shook its head, and got up and started to chase Berry.

Berry ran out the door and the gorilla followed, opening the slammed door, Berry yelled, "Damned opposable thumbs" and got to the room with the piranhas, ran over the board and through it in the water. However, the gorilla just jumped into the water and ran through the piranhas, because, as everybody knows, green gorilla’s fur is really tough.

Berry ran out the door and the gorilla followed, opening the slammed door, Berry yelled "Damned opposable thumbs" and got to the room with the mosquitoes, grabbed the off, sprayed himself, ran though the room and out the other door. Berry looked through the window only to see the face of the green gorilla, because, as everybody knows, mosquitoes don't like the taste of green gorilla blood.

Berry ran down the hall and the gorilla followed, opening the slammed door, Berry yelled "Damned opposable thumbs" and got to the room with the fire, donned the fireproof suit (you know, the ones with the goggle thingies on them?) and ran through the fire room. The gorilla followed him, because, as everybody knows, green gorillas are fireproof.

Berry ran out the door, tore off the suit (you know, the ones with the goggle thingies in them?), and the gorilla followed, opening the slammed door, Berry yelled "Damned opposable thumbs" and got to the room with the heads on the wall. He pulled the tusk of the elephant and the hidden entrance closed.

Berry sighed in relief. But the gorilla broke through the wall and started to chase Berry. Berry ran outside to his car, and he could feel the breath of the gorilla on the back of his neck and berry got into the car, tried to start it, and the gorilla jumped on the hood and punched out the windshield.

As the green gorilla grabbed Berry by the shoulder the green gorilla said, "Tag. You're it."