I got some good news yesterday evening, in the form of my most recent test results from my doctor.

For the past six months, thanks to the evil vampires who ruined my life, I have been suffering from high cholesterol. I blame them because if they hadn't tested my blood when I donated, I never would have known about it. And in my universe, if I don't know about a health problem, it doesn't exist. I'm convinced I would live forever if I just stopped letting doctors tell me what's wrong with me.

At any rate, my doctor discovered that my blood seemed to be made of equal parts bacon grease and lard, with a hint of artificial coloring to make it red. While the LDL (good cholesterol} and HDL (bad cholesterol) counts were within a decent range for a reasonable healthy adult, the triglycerides were off the chart. A count that should have been under 150 was over 1900! Helpful relatives researched my problem on the internet and seemed to delight in informing me that it could lead to everything from heart disease to pancreatic cancer to spontaneous human combustion. Basically, I was at an extreme risk of getting up from my chair and just plain exploding.

So my doctor took away most of what gives my life pleasure, red meat, fried foods, etc., and forbade me to enter fast food restaurants. This drastically lowered the triglyceride count to around 500 and induced a near-constant craving for McDonald's french fries. This was good, but since I still had triple the amount of triglycerides in my blood as a normal person should, he whipped out the prescription pad and gave me Tricor.

Which brings me to my current happy thought. My latest results indicated a further drop of the triglyceride count to around 300. Still twice the level I should have, but I wasn't watching my diet terribly well in the couple weeks before the test. I figure that I'd have been well within normal limits if I'd eaten fish rather than beef for most of those meals. Hopefully the next tests in 6 months time will prove it.