(it's just my thoughts, confessions if you like)

Friend of a smoker

Smoking... I never smoked, not even a single cigarette. For most of my life I always hated any connotation to this "activity". I simply couldn't find anything good in it.

But then the situation changed... a very close friend of mine is a smoker -- she smokes about half a pack a day, so one can say she is hooked. From the moment I met her, I really didn't thought about that, but after awhile, when she started to become the closest person in my life, I realized that she is dying faster than me (1 cigarette = 5-7 minutes of her life) -- so I started to read everything I could find about tobacco, nicotine, its addiction (for me nicotine is as bad as heroin or cocaine). I may say I became quite obsessed with this thought - I became depressed, anxious about how many fags did she smoke, talking about it far too often etc.

Each time I think I take it too serious (she's a big girl after all, she can think and decide for herself), I can see her - dying of cancer far too early, when there are so many beautiful things we can do together. That scares the shit out of me. She wants to quit, but it really hurts me when I see her craving for a smoke... I don't want to be a friend who tells you what you actually need to do. I really respect her, and I want to take her as she is, not as I would like her to be.

So, smoking no cigarettes, I'm still a slave of smoking - her smoking. Paradox? I love her too much to leave her alone with it.

Couple of months later the situation is somewhat different. I had my first Camel in my life. I wanted to know what it's like before I can speak about it... and after this my worries abouth her are even bigger. Image of her, still in her pyjamas, smoking her first cigarette that morning on balcony, on the mountain trip, still lingers in my mind... Sometimes I really want start smoking, to make her feel bad about getting me into this (who knows, maybe she would quit after seeing what she's done?) but that would be even more stupid. It's my life, after all.

Everything Quests - Smoking