time, the revelator.

i told him i wanted to stay in my dorm last night. i hadn't slept alone since the day after christmas - i forgot how the sheets tangled as i tossed and turned alone.

and it may not be love, but the tears ran down anyways. the pills didn't help, looking back i don't think they ever did. sometimes i have to sleep on the edge of the bed, not letting him touch me - he always thinks it's him. i fear i won't heal and won't trust after november - i can't get rid of it, no matter how hard i try. the blood and pain washes away, but the shame and disgust doesn't. and "just checking to see how i'm doing" again and again isn't acceptable. i told you not to talk to me, and i meant it - yeah, i've forgiven you. but i haven't forgotten. i haven't forgotten how dirty i felt when you reduced me to just a little more than a blow-up doll - your hands where they never deserved to be.

i woke early, but hit the alarm. again and again until i couldn't anymore.

i ache and feel like shit. my "escape" didn't help, i wonder if it ever did in the first place. i realize i never took jb to western psych yesterday, i wonder if he went. i know being "committed" is scary. sometimes i wish i could do that again, just to get away from everyone. but i need too much, and i hate too much.

but i showered, and ate breakfast. and i have plans. i'm not going to sleep alone tonight, hopefully. i'll get through this, we'll get through this. i'll go to my classes tomorrow and go out for sushi. we'll watch that movie with jack nicholson - i don't even like movies that much, but what do you get when you're dating a film studies major. and i'll see the buzz poets with jeremy saturday night, then finally hit up one of chris's frat parties. i'll get drunk for free, and laugh at the irony - i'm a girl so i get treated well. and i'll reinforce my belief that people are good at heart.

remember all the feelings, and the day they stopped

i'm not going to listen to you when you say i deserved it. i'm not going to believe you when you say i'm a slut and i wanted it.

i'm going to remember to love, and remember that i am loved.