Speed Scrabble is a deadly new game which is taking the lives of youngsters across the nation. We encourage you to learn the rules and practice this game, so that you may identify the warning signs of your teenager possibly getting involved in this tragic pursuit. Don't let our youth go to waste!

Speed Scrabble, disturbingly enough, is dangerously simple: even a child as young as ten may be able to find the neccesary resources. You will need:

  • A set of Scrabble(tm) letter tokens. Many families keep these in their homes in unlocked closets!
  • A large flat surface, like a table. We understand these are common in schools nowadays and may be used without adult supervision. Be vigilant!
  • A dictionary of some sort. Confiscating your child's library card may reduce the risk of her obtaining one of these without your knowledge.
  • Gambling tokens: each player will need 5-10 of these, usually quarters, dimes, or nickels.

You may easily lull yourself into a false sense of security: "But conform, we keep the Scrabble(tm) board locked in the gun safe!" or "My child doesn't have a large peer group."

Nonsense, foolish yuppies! Speed Scrabble requires only 2-3 participants. While your child may be safe from other dreaded games like Spin the Bottle, it is easy to find enough players for this wicked game. And what is more, Speed Scrabble does not require a Scrabble(tm) board. The most aggreviating mistake you can make is a false sense of security.

Play happens in the following manner:

  1. Blank tiles are removed from the tile set.
  2. Tiles are planced face down and shuffled.
  3. Tiled are divided into equal groups for each player. If there are extra tiles, these are set aside.
  4. Each player antes one gambling token into the "pot" (possible links to drug usage need to be investigated throughly).
  5. Each player takes seven tiles from their pool. At a predetermined signal, all players turn these tiles face up and begin attempting to arrange these tiles into a single small crossword grid on the table in front of them.
  6. If any player fits all of their tiles into a single grid, such that any row of contiguous tiles forms an English word appearing in the dictionary at hand, that player shouts "GO!" as loudly and smugly as possible. At this signal, all players take another tile from their face-down pool and flip it over, adding it to the working set of tiles they must arrange into their grid.
  7. Any player may rearrange any of their tiles at any time in the pursuit of legal words.
  8. The tile imprinted with the letter 'Q' may be treated for purposes of play as a 'Q' or as a 'QU'. It may be a 'Q' in one direction and, simultaneously, a 'QU' in another.
  9. When the pool of face-down tiles has been exhausted, the first player to finish their grid shouts, triumphantly, "DONE!". Each other player then examines the finished player's grid for misspellings or non-words. There is no penalty for an incorrect challenge. Should a flaw be discovered and confirmed, the player pays an additional gambling token into the pot, and the pot carries to the next round (note that in the next round each player will still have to ante). If no errors are found, that player takes the pot.
  10. Players will repeat steps 2-9 as desired.

Certainly after explaining the rules of the game, the danger will be evident to any concerned, loving parent. But the parent who truly cares will take the time to play through a few rounds in a safe, controlled environment, well out of earshot of your children--we must be careful not to set a bad example. Only then can we develop the mental faculties required to keep our loved ones safe!